*I'd like to thank a friend for getting my mind thinking on this subject...you know who you are :)
I get so much from my friends, and I can't imagine being without any of them. I'd like to think that my friends think the same. The way I look at it, how boring would life be if you got the exact same things from each one of your friends? That would be like having friends with all the same personality. You would get incredibly sick of spending all your time with the exact same characteristics.
I've never really considered myself an 'out there' kind of person. I'm slow to make new friends, but fiercely loyal once the friendship is made. I have one friend who is exactly the opposite. She can make friends anywhere with any kind of person. It was that bubbly outgoing nature that drew me to her. I wanted to be like that, and being with her makes me feel that way. I have another friend who is one of the funniest people I've met. She's adorable and most of the time the life of the party. Again, I love that quality and feel I don't really possess it. But being with her automatically makes me feel lively and humorous. Another friend brings out the sarcastic, witty side of me; while another makes me feel saucy and sexy.
The conversations had when I'm with each one of my friends are vastly different. I can talk about dance with some friends who are in that world with me, but I wouldn't bore other friends with that same talk. The same goes with all aspects of my life. Conversations with my more 'intellectual' friends are on a whole other level than the ones with my goofy friends. And that's how I like it. That's how it has to be in my opinion. That's what makes my life rich and fulfilling.
That being said, I love being with my friends. But sometimes the thing you 'need' from one friend can't be obtained while another friend is there. Sometimes you need to vent about something, or talk about something or even do something that can't be properly done in mixed company. I don't try to separate my friends, far from it. But I also won't talk about studio gossip with my neighborhood peeps, and I don't talk about my neice's drama to my Purple Posse mom's. I don't expect to, nor do I want to be included in every aspect of every one of my friends lives. Just like I wouldn't expect my friends to want to be involved in every inch of my life. Do we hang out in groups? You bet we do! Do my miscellaneous groups hang out together? Not ever! Do I sometimes want to hang with a single person from one of those groups? Quite often! I don't expect any of the other friends from that circle to be upset by that. I know I don't get upset when they get together without me...that just seems silly.
I guess what I'm saying is that my friends make up the quilt of my life. Each piece is different and has it's own place. Some pieces fit together for an awesome pattern, but the individual pieces are great on their own as well. But as a whole, they keep me warm and comfy no matter what.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I used to do this for fun?!?
I'm totally getting the hang of my new found zest for exercise. I can't say it's 'new' found, just found, as I used to love exercise as much Gilad, Jake and Tony Little. Anyway, I was trying to get around to doing the rockin' workout Johnny had planned for me, and my hubby (who just finished working a grave yard shift, and then came home and mowed the lawn) asked me if I wanted to go for a bike ride. I had to make sure I heard him right, because I'm pretty sure I've never heard these words pass his lips before.
I regain my focus and spit out "Uh, sure why not? What bike are you gonna ride?"
Kel responds "I'll ride the blue one out there that Alyson rides. I'll raise the seat and it'll be fine."
"Or we can run to Target and pick up tennis rackets and balls and head to the tennis court in Brunswick."
Ok wait...did he just say 'get tennis rackets'? If bike riding surprised me, tennis just shocked me. We discuss for a moment and decide that a bike ride was a more immediate plan. My fear with tennis is that we'd get to Target and A) realize rackets were too expensive and ditch the whole thing for a trip to Dairy Queen, or B) get the rackets and decide we didn't really feel like driving all the way to Brunswick and drive to Dairy Queen instead.
So we get ready, fill my water bottle and prepare to mount our 2 wheeled steeds. I look down and notice that Kel has on his black sandals.
"Uh are you wearing those to go for a bike ride?"
"Yup, I don't have any runners so these will have to work." is the response I get. I make a note that we have to get the man some real athletic shoes if this workout thing is ever gonna take off for him.
Off we go. There's a bike trail about a half mile from our house, so we decide to head there. I'm not sure how long it is, since I've never actually walked the entire thing. (It's a touch over 3 miles one way, fyi).
Believe it or not, the ride out was great. Well, that is, after Kel figured out why my bike wouldn't find a damn gear and kept skipping making it virtually impossible to pedal. My legs are feeling great, I have a little bit of a sweat going and my heart is pumping. Kel is riding right next to me and we're having conversations about stupid drivers, days at work and other off the wall topics. (And no, his daughter coming here was NOT brought up.)
We get to the end of the trail and kinda sit and figure out what we wanna do next.
"You wanna ride to your brothers house?"
I sit and try to absorb these words. He surely can not know exactly where we are. My brothers house is a 15-20 minute DRIVE from our house.
"Uh no, that's still pretty far from here." was all I could say without outright laughing.
"Ok, well you wanna ride this way and see what we can find? Maybe we'll take roads back instead of the trail."
"Sure, I'll get my bearings and see exactly where we are." I have to do this, because he has no clue.
We ride about another half mile and I can tell exactly where I am. I try to explain this to him with no avail. He's not too good with pinpointing his own location...ever.
I finally convince him to backtrack (after riding in circles for a bit) and take the trail home. We now have 90 minutes to get back home shower and be ready to meet my brother and sister in law for dinner. So we head back the direction we came, and I see a steady hill coming up. I really don't like hills. So I get a head of steam going down a little slope and get ready to grind up the incline. I'm focused and pedaling so hard that I have no idea how far back Kelly is. All I know is that if I stop I'll never get up this damn hill. I huff and push and get back to the end (or beginning depending on how you look at it) of the bike path. I'm wheezing and grabbing for my water. About 15 seconds later Kelly rolls up behind me and takes a slug of the water as well. It's at this point that I realize why the ride out seemed to great. As I'm looking down the trail, I can see that the whole thing now looks like it's on an ever so slight uphill grade. Meaning we were pretty much riding on a slight downhill grade the entire way out. Oh. No. All of the sudden I'm not looking forward to the ride back home.
I hop on and we take off. My legs are already screaming at me, my ass is killing me thanks to the torture device that I'm sitting on. I have sweat dripping in my eyes and it almost feels like I'm crying because it's starting to run out the bottom. I really don't wanna stop to wipe it off cause then I'd have to start again. And that seems counter productive.
'What I'd give for a Jane Fonda terrycloth headband right now' is all I kept thinking.
There was no conversation on the way home. I was focusing too hard on breathing. If I would have tried to speak, I'm sure I would've wiped out and just laid there on the trail waiting for the birds to peck my eyes out. Kel and I trade on and off leading. I just kept counting in my head so my legs kept pumping at a steady pace. I finally see the end of the trail. Thank goodness. But that's not really a good thing. The end of the trail means we still have the 1/2 to 3/4 mile ride back to the house. I pull out of the trail (which Kel has already pulled out a good minute before me) and sense a problem. I can see the substantial hill before me, and block out all pain so I can get another head of steam going to tackle it. Only my bike doesn't seem to be coasting down the small hill like it should be. I stop pedalling and notice that my bike is actually slowing down on the downhill grade. This can not be good. I try to pedal to speed up, I try to push my brake handles out in case they were slowing me down. Nothing. Kel is already more than half way up the hill. I say 'screw it' and hop off my bike to push it up the hill like a little kid. Hmm...my legs can only take tiny steps since they are so used to pedalling. This is now comical.
I yell at Kelly "Bring the car back and get me!"
Obviously he does not hear my pathetic call for help. He's stopped at the top of the hill and is leaning on the guardrail waiting for me. When I get just about to him, he hops on and rides a bit farther.
"Get back on your bike, it's downhill there!"
I'm so frustrated that I didn't even notice I had conquered the hill. I jump back on the bike and the problem that was there before has seemed to disappear...of course.
I see our road and get a burst of energy. I cross the street and get back into my rhythm. Of course the road leading to ours is a steady slight incline. But I know the finish is in sight so I'm not stopping. My cadence is sharp and steady. I pass Kelly and know that I must look like my neighbors dog when he gets loose and is running to my house for a piece of bologna. I WILL get there, and I will get there soon! Please let it be soon, please oh please let it be soon.
I finally round the turn and feel the breeze in my face as coast down the wonderful hill on my street. I don't know where Kel is and I don't care because I can SEE my house. I just want to get there and guzzle a gallon of water. My legs are rebelling, my hands are cramping from holding on to the handle bars and my ass, well lost feeling in that about 20 minutes ago. I brake as I go into my drive and aim between the two cars. I must be all jelly cause I try to stop and can't keep my balance. I lean over and catch myself on my car. I can't help but laugh...that's some funny shit. I can't steer my bike between two cars. Kelly better not say a damn word about it either.
I get in the garage and dismount. I'm on the wrong side of my bike, so I ask Kel to put my kickstand down. I make it into the house and find a bottle of water on the table. I downed half of it before Kel even walks in the door. I collapse on the floor knowing that I now have 40 minutes to get ready for dinner. I look over, and Kel is sitting on the floor in front of the couch with his head leaned back...asleep already. I convince myself to stretch to avoid more pain later, and head up to the shower.
I'd say I earned the little pieces of Tigerlily, and Chocolate peanut butter Torte I had after dinner.
I still weighed in at -6 pounds for the week. So there.
I regain my focus and spit out "Uh, sure why not? What bike are you gonna ride?"
Kel responds "I'll ride the blue one out there that Alyson rides. I'll raise the seat and it'll be fine."
"Or we can run to Target and pick up tennis rackets and balls and head to the tennis court in Brunswick."
Ok wait...did he just say 'get tennis rackets'? If bike riding surprised me, tennis just shocked me. We discuss for a moment and decide that a bike ride was a more immediate plan. My fear with tennis is that we'd get to Target and A) realize rackets were too expensive and ditch the whole thing for a trip to Dairy Queen, or B) get the rackets and decide we didn't really feel like driving all the way to Brunswick and drive to Dairy Queen instead.
So we get ready, fill my water bottle and prepare to mount our 2 wheeled steeds. I look down and notice that Kel has on his black sandals.
"Uh are you wearing those to go for a bike ride?"
"Yup, I don't have any runners so these will have to work." is the response I get. I make a note that we have to get the man some real athletic shoes if this workout thing is ever gonna take off for him.
Off we go. There's a bike trail about a half mile from our house, so we decide to head there. I'm not sure how long it is, since I've never actually walked the entire thing. (It's a touch over 3 miles one way, fyi).
Believe it or not, the ride out was great. Well, that is, after Kel figured out why my bike wouldn't find a damn gear and kept skipping making it virtually impossible to pedal. My legs are feeling great, I have a little bit of a sweat going and my heart is pumping. Kel is riding right next to me and we're having conversations about stupid drivers, days at work and other off the wall topics. (And no, his daughter coming here was NOT brought up.)
We get to the end of the trail and kinda sit and figure out what we wanna do next.
"You wanna ride to your brothers house?"
I sit and try to absorb these words. He surely can not know exactly where we are. My brothers house is a 15-20 minute DRIVE from our house.
"Uh no, that's still pretty far from here." was all I could say without outright laughing.
"Ok, well you wanna ride this way and see what we can find? Maybe we'll take roads back instead of the trail."
"Sure, I'll get my bearings and see exactly where we are." I have to do this, because he has no clue.
We ride about another half mile and I can tell exactly where I am. I try to explain this to him with no avail. He's not too good with pinpointing his own location...ever.
I finally convince him to backtrack (after riding in circles for a bit) and take the trail home. We now have 90 minutes to get back home shower and be ready to meet my brother and sister in law for dinner. So we head back the direction we came, and I see a steady hill coming up. I really don't like hills. So I get a head of steam going down a little slope and get ready to grind up the incline. I'm focused and pedaling so hard that I have no idea how far back Kelly is. All I know is that if I stop I'll never get up this damn hill. I huff and push and get back to the end (or beginning depending on how you look at it) of the bike path. I'm wheezing and grabbing for my water. About 15 seconds later Kelly rolls up behind me and takes a slug of the water as well. It's at this point that I realize why the ride out seemed to great. As I'm looking down the trail, I can see that the whole thing now looks like it's on an ever so slight uphill grade. Meaning we were pretty much riding on a slight downhill grade the entire way out. Oh. No. All of the sudden I'm not looking forward to the ride back home.
I hop on and we take off. My legs are already screaming at me, my ass is killing me thanks to the torture device that I'm sitting on. I have sweat dripping in my eyes and it almost feels like I'm crying because it's starting to run out the bottom. I really don't wanna stop to wipe it off cause then I'd have to start again. And that seems counter productive.
'What I'd give for a Jane Fonda terrycloth headband right now' is all I kept thinking.
There was no conversation on the way home. I was focusing too hard on breathing. If I would have tried to speak, I'm sure I would've wiped out and just laid there on the trail waiting for the birds to peck my eyes out. Kel and I trade on and off leading. I just kept counting in my head so my legs kept pumping at a steady pace. I finally see the end of the trail. Thank goodness. But that's not really a good thing. The end of the trail means we still have the 1/2 to 3/4 mile ride back to the house. I pull out of the trail (which Kel has already pulled out a good minute before me) and sense a problem. I can see the substantial hill before me, and block out all pain so I can get another head of steam going to tackle it. Only my bike doesn't seem to be coasting down the small hill like it should be. I stop pedalling and notice that my bike is actually slowing down on the downhill grade. This can not be good. I try to pedal to speed up, I try to push my brake handles out in case they were slowing me down. Nothing. Kel is already more than half way up the hill. I say 'screw it' and hop off my bike to push it up the hill like a little kid. Hmm...my legs can only take tiny steps since they are so used to pedalling. This is now comical.
I yell at Kelly "Bring the car back and get me!"
Obviously he does not hear my pathetic call for help. He's stopped at the top of the hill and is leaning on the guardrail waiting for me. When I get just about to him, he hops on and rides a bit farther.
"Get back on your bike, it's downhill there!"
I'm so frustrated that I didn't even notice I had conquered the hill. I jump back on the bike and the problem that was there before has seemed to disappear...of course.
I see our road and get a burst of energy. I cross the street and get back into my rhythm. Of course the road leading to ours is a steady slight incline. But I know the finish is in sight so I'm not stopping. My cadence is sharp and steady. I pass Kelly and know that I must look like my neighbors dog when he gets loose and is running to my house for a piece of bologna. I WILL get there, and I will get there soon! Please let it be soon, please oh please let it be soon.
I finally round the turn and feel the breeze in my face as coast down the wonderful hill on my street. I don't know where Kel is and I don't care because I can SEE my house. I just want to get there and guzzle a gallon of water. My legs are rebelling, my hands are cramping from holding on to the handle bars and my ass, well lost feeling in that about 20 minutes ago. I brake as I go into my drive and aim between the two cars. I must be all jelly cause I try to stop and can't keep my balance. I lean over and catch myself on my car. I can't help but laugh...that's some funny shit. I can't steer my bike between two cars. Kelly better not say a damn word about it either.
I get in the garage and dismount. I'm on the wrong side of my bike, so I ask Kel to put my kickstand down. I make it into the house and find a bottle of water on the table. I downed half of it before Kel even walks in the door. I collapse on the floor knowing that I now have 40 minutes to get ready for dinner. I look over, and Kel is sitting on the floor in front of the couch with his head leaned back...asleep already. I convince myself to stretch to avoid more pain later, and head up to the shower.
I'd say I earned the little pieces of Tigerlily, and Chocolate peanut butter Torte I had after dinner.
I still weighed in at -6 pounds for the week. So there.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
uh, this can't be right and someone is playing a joke on me
First I'll start by saying that since I started training with Johnny I have dropped 4 pounds. Rock and Rolla! But since I'm an emotional eater, yesterdays events may put my weight loss in severe danger.
Revert back to my ranting post about Kelly's slimey one-nighter-turned-into-a-lifetime-of-regret baby momma. Then you shall understand how this news hit me like a two ton truck hauling a full load of bricks at 90 miles per hour.
The Child Is Coming To Live With Us.
Yes you read correctly. Apparently said psycho mother has gotten herself mixed up in some serious shit. She and her boy thing have pissed off some bad people and they are currently in some 'trouble'. (I swear this whole thing sounds like it's straight out of a script of a new Law & Order episode) I'm pretty sure the news of this put a look of disbelief combined with shock and I'm guessing perhaps a slight smile because I was waiting for someone to jump out yelling that I'm being Punk'd. (Not Ashton of course, because of my 'non-celebrity' status and all) I'm still not sure the news has completely sunk in yet. Perhaps I'm in denial. No, I know that I'm in denial. I can't really argue this pending arrangement, as it's a matter of her safety. That doesn't mean I have to like it, because I don't. Not at all actually. If that makes me a bad person so be it. I've always said I'm not good with other peoples kids. I tend to be the mean one if I have to spend more than 48 consecutive hours with a child other than my own. And this is a 13 year old girl who's about to hit puberty and begin her emotional roller coaster. She's never really dealt with a lot of rules, being the child of an essentially absentee parent. Oh this is not going to go well at all.
And what hurt the most? The fact that Kel started this whole thing in motion and never once discussed it with me. He's contacted a lawyer, has his sisters in Canada checking into legalities and asked his Dad and stepmom to let her stay with them until we can get her down here. It's almost like telling me (note: I did not say discussing because there was no discussion. I was TOLD she was coming.) was a side note to him. And that does not sit well with me. I have no idea how I'm even going to break the news to my kids. They don't like her to begin with. Ugh.
Needless to say I'm beginning to get a bruise on my arm from pinching myself incessantly. I just keep thinking that one of these times I'm going to wake up from a dream...a twisted, dark, not funny at all dream. Then I can make sure I never eat whatever it was I ate to make my dream so unpleasant to begin with.
Revert back to my ranting post about Kelly's slimey one-nighter-turned-into-a-lifetime-of-regret baby momma. Then you shall understand how this news hit me like a two ton truck hauling a full load of bricks at 90 miles per hour.
The Child Is Coming To Live With Us.
Yes you read correctly. Apparently said psycho mother has gotten herself mixed up in some serious shit. She and her boy thing have pissed off some bad people and they are currently in some 'trouble'. (I swear this whole thing sounds like it's straight out of a script of a new Law & Order episode) I'm pretty sure the news of this put a look of disbelief combined with shock and I'm guessing perhaps a slight smile because I was waiting for someone to jump out yelling that I'm being Punk'd. (Not Ashton of course, because of my 'non-celebrity' status and all) I'm still not sure the news has completely sunk in yet. Perhaps I'm in denial. No, I know that I'm in denial. I can't really argue this pending arrangement, as it's a matter of her safety. That doesn't mean I have to like it, because I don't. Not at all actually. If that makes me a bad person so be it. I've always said I'm not good with other peoples kids. I tend to be the mean one if I have to spend more than 48 consecutive hours with a child other than my own. And this is a 13 year old girl who's about to hit puberty and begin her emotional roller coaster. She's never really dealt with a lot of rules, being the child of an essentially absentee parent. Oh this is not going to go well at all.
And what hurt the most? The fact that Kel started this whole thing in motion and never once discussed it with me. He's contacted a lawyer, has his sisters in Canada checking into legalities and asked his Dad and stepmom to let her stay with them until we can get her down here. It's almost like telling me (note: I did not say discussing because there was no discussion. I was TOLD she was coming.) was a side note to him. And that does not sit well with me. I have no idea how I'm even going to break the news to my kids. They don't like her to begin with. Ugh.
Needless to say I'm beginning to get a bruise on my arm from pinching myself incessantly. I just keep thinking that one of these times I'm going to wake up from a dream...a twisted, dark, not funny at all dream. Then I can make sure I never eat whatever it was I ate to make my dream so unpleasant to begin with.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Vacation's over, weight loss begins!
Oh vacation how I miss thee already! We spent a wonderful, relaxing, full of nothingness week on Hilton Head Island with my Brother and his family. Kel did not join us, as he couldn't get out of work. So the girls and I had a blast even though I missed him terribly. My poor brother was stuck in the condo with 6 women aged 44, 34, 19, 15, 11 and 9. And yet he still seemed to have a great time. He should write a book about coping skills...lol. We spent days on the beach and evening at home cooking meals. We didn't go out to eat, so we had none of that 'omigosh my tummy feels like it's going to explode from eating so much fried food' syndrome. It was awesome. And because of this...I managed to only gain 2 pounds on vacation. I'll totally take that!
Being on this trip has had an added bonus. It's renewed my gusto to lose weight. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I felt like a beached whale on the sand with a bunch of skinny mini's. Mmm...not a good feeling at all. BUT...like I said, I'm now ready to get down to business. I'll be damned if I let those skinny bitches make me feel self conscious next year! I had a going away party for my fat when I got back home, so I'm ready to send it on it's way.
Enter Johnny, my new online trainer. I LOVE this guy! I had messages waiting for me when I got back from vacay. He wanted to let me know that he was getting my plan ready, even though I wasn't back yet. And 2 other messages of encouragement. Yay! someone who 'gets' me! He's a good lookin (ie: hot) muscle-y guy who I'd hate to disappoint...so it's perfect. I've made a goal of being minimally 40 pounds lighter when we head to the beach next year. With his help I think, scratch that, I KNOW I can do it!
His meal plans are right up my alley (aside from the fact that there's no binging on cakes and pastry) and his workouts are gritty and athletic. I used to be a step and strength instructor and taught classes 3 nights a week...so I know I can do it...I just need the right workout.
So here's to the new improved and totally delicious me (well soon anyway)!!
Being on this trip has had an added bonus. It's renewed my gusto to lose weight. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I felt like a beached whale on the sand with a bunch of skinny mini's. Mmm...not a good feeling at all. BUT...like I said, I'm now ready to get down to business. I'll be damned if I let those skinny bitches make me feel self conscious next year! I had a going away party for my fat when I got back home, so I'm ready to send it on it's way.
Enter Johnny, my new online trainer. I LOVE this guy! I had messages waiting for me when I got back from vacay. He wanted to let me know that he was getting my plan ready, even though I wasn't back yet. And 2 other messages of encouragement. Yay! someone who 'gets' me! He's a good lookin (ie: hot) muscle-y guy who I'd hate to disappoint...so it's perfect. I've made a goal of being minimally 40 pounds lighter when we head to the beach next year. With his help I think, scratch that, I KNOW I can do it!
His meal plans are right up my alley (aside from the fact that there's no binging on cakes and pastry) and his workouts are gritty and athletic. I used to be a step and strength instructor and taught classes 3 nights a week...so I know I can do it...I just need the right workout.
So here's to the new improved and totally delicious me (well soon anyway)!!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Pity Party
First, let me preface this whole thing by saying that no, I'm not on suicide watch. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed, and my 'condition' takes over and it's a snowball effect. So just venting and getting it all outta my system sometimes helps.
Things are just goofy lately. I can't seem to get a grasp on anything at all. My house, my kids, my weight, my marriage. It all seems like a giant clusterfuck right now. I'm so messed up that I'm having a hard time even looking forward to my vacation. I'm a wreck in crowds...and it's gonna be crowded. A holiday weekend, a big annual race, and the travelers that usually go to the Gulf...they're going to HH and surrounding areas instead. How do I know? A co-worker of my SIL just got back and gave the news first hand...and he goes every year so he knows that it's more packed than usual.
My weight is driving me absolutely insane. I am so angry at myself on so many levels. How I did I let myself get this way? I lost it once, why can't I do it again? Why do I let myself cave in? Did my willpower and determination just vanish? I am NOT OKAY being this way! Not at ALL! I'm pissed and hate to look at myself. So why the hell can't I take that anger and direct it at losing the weight. I DON'T F**KING KNOW!
I'm tired of living in my house in it's current condition. I've been there 11 years and it's trashed on the inside. Who's fault is that...totally MINE! I think I'm missing the cleaning gene. I hate it...and it shows. Don't get me wrong, it's not rat infested or anything...just cluttered and stained and not what I want. I don't let people in my house. I refuse to host gatherings or parties for adults because I'm embarrassed to have people in my house. But taking care of that requires money, which isn't available at the moment.
My poor kids... I feel like I'm not there for them. and that crushes me. Alyson is already showing signs of the same emotional hang ups I have and that breaks my heart. I feel like I neglect Hailey on a daily basis. There will certainly not be any parenting awards coming my way. I need to change this above all else...I'm losing these precious years and I can't get them back. That's a horrible painful feeling.
My relationship with Kel feels like a walk through. I don't see him often, and when I do I feel like he's completely disappointed with me. Let's face it, I don't clean well, don't cook, put on 20 pounds since the wedding and 50 since he met me. He does so much, and I just know he resents me. I can't blame him for it either.
I keep trying to be better, I really do. But it always backfires on me. I need to figure this shit out before it totally destroys me from the inside out. I don't want to be destined to stay inside my house and never go out because my social anxiety has taken over my life. I don't want to be so self conscious that I make excuses not to hang out with my friends. Maybe I'll get some clarity on this trip...or maybe I'll just get a massive sunburn and add real pain to the emotional bomb going off inside me.
...or maybe it's just PMS...
Things are just goofy lately. I can't seem to get a grasp on anything at all. My house, my kids, my weight, my marriage. It all seems like a giant clusterfuck right now. I'm so messed up that I'm having a hard time even looking forward to my vacation. I'm a wreck in crowds...and it's gonna be crowded. A holiday weekend, a big annual race, and the travelers that usually go to the Gulf...they're going to HH and surrounding areas instead. How do I know? A co-worker of my SIL just got back and gave the news first hand...and he goes every year so he knows that it's more packed than usual.
My weight is driving me absolutely insane. I am so angry at myself on so many levels. How I did I let myself get this way? I lost it once, why can't I do it again? Why do I let myself cave in? Did my willpower and determination just vanish? I am NOT OKAY being this way! Not at ALL! I'm pissed and hate to look at myself. So why the hell can't I take that anger and direct it at losing the weight. I DON'T F**KING KNOW!
I'm tired of living in my house in it's current condition. I've been there 11 years and it's trashed on the inside. Who's fault is that...totally MINE! I think I'm missing the cleaning gene. I hate it...and it shows. Don't get me wrong, it's not rat infested or anything...just cluttered and stained and not what I want. I don't let people in my house. I refuse to host gatherings or parties for adults because I'm embarrassed to have people in my house. But taking care of that requires money, which isn't available at the moment.
My poor kids... I feel like I'm not there for them. and that crushes me. Alyson is already showing signs of the same emotional hang ups I have and that breaks my heart. I feel like I neglect Hailey on a daily basis. There will certainly not be any parenting awards coming my way. I need to change this above all else...I'm losing these precious years and I can't get them back. That's a horrible painful feeling.
My relationship with Kel feels like a walk through. I don't see him often, and when I do I feel like he's completely disappointed with me. Let's face it, I don't clean well, don't cook, put on 20 pounds since the wedding and 50 since he met me. He does so much, and I just know he resents me. I can't blame him for it either.
I keep trying to be better, I really do. But it always backfires on me. I need to figure this shit out before it totally destroys me from the inside out. I don't want to be destined to stay inside my house and never go out because my social anxiety has taken over my life. I don't want to be so self conscious that I make excuses not to hang out with my friends. Maybe I'll get some clarity on this trip...or maybe I'll just get a massive sunburn and add real pain to the emotional bomb going off inside me.
...or maybe it's just PMS...
Friday, June 25, 2010
A moment to appreciate...me!
I'm really down on me lately. I'm having a problem seeing anything good. Since I'm such a believer in 'lists', I'll just go ahead and make a list of my good qualities. Hopefully it'll make my personal outlook a little less bleak! If it doesn't...look out...I may take to drinking...lol
1. I have good hair....most of the time. I have kicky curls that a lot of people wish they had. I love my curls, and I wouldn't be me without them.
2. I have a nice smile. I've thought this ever since I got my braces off in 8th grade. My smile happens to be my best feature in my opinion. And really, since it's my blog, my opinion is all that really matters.
3. I have rhythm. Yes, I can keep a beat and dance and generally catch on to choreography. Usually I end up embarassing myself, but dammit, I can groove!
4. I may be heavy, but I know how to dress my body. You will never ever see me sporting a muffin top or wearing skinny jeans or spandex. I'm not happy with my body, but I won't make it look worse by wearing clothes I have no business wearing.
5. I can be funny sometimes. Usually my humor is dry and sarcastic, but I can make a group laugh from time to time.
6. My kids think I'm pretty cool. Which is a good thing since I'm sure they're getting to the age where nothing I do will be cool.
It's a short list today, but at least I do feel a bit better about myself. There really is something to be said about this whole 'list' concept.
1. I have good hair....most of the time. I have kicky curls that a lot of people wish they had. I love my curls, and I wouldn't be me without them.
2. I have a nice smile. I've thought this ever since I got my braces off in 8th grade. My smile happens to be my best feature in my opinion. And really, since it's my blog, my opinion is all that really matters.
3. I have rhythm. Yes, I can keep a beat and dance and generally catch on to choreography. Usually I end up embarassing myself, but dammit, I can groove!
4. I may be heavy, but I know how to dress my body. You will never ever see me sporting a muffin top or wearing skinny jeans or spandex. I'm not happy with my body, but I won't make it look worse by wearing clothes I have no business wearing.
5. I can be funny sometimes. Usually my humor is dry and sarcastic, but I can make a group laugh from time to time.
6. My kids think I'm pretty cool. Which is a good thing since I'm sure they're getting to the age where nothing I do will be cool.
It's a short list today, but at least I do feel a bit better about myself. There really is something to be said about this whole 'list' concept.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I am...a diet failure
Yes a failure. I won't even give myself the yo-yo moniker. I can't...I don't ever lose enough to be a yo-yo.
In high school I was a svelt 110 pounds. I was that weight from probably the end of my sophmore year on. I was a dancer when I was young so I was always proud of my shapely legs and tiny waist. Vain, no...just very happy with myself. My older brother's friends always found it funny to wrap a belt around my waist and mark it. Then wrap it around their thighs to see who's was closest. That was a real ego boost for me! My measurements in those fab days were 34-23-36. Yes a bit hippy, but I loved my ass and my curves! (but damn would I give almost anything for that hip measurement now!)
Then I got married, and instead of putting on the freshman 15 at college, I put on the newlywed 40. Then came kids, and divorce...stacking on another 40. I lost a bit after the divorce...when I was looking for a new man. I got back down to 176 (again, I'd love to be there now). Then met Kelly, and packed it all back on again. That's what I get for marrying a guy who loves to cook and has a high metabolism. Ouch. I was 197 on my wedding day, and have since gained even MORE.
I'm now tipping the scales at 217. I'm not a good dieter...I totally admit that. I don't have excuses like my kids are picky, or Kelly cooks bad things, or I don't have time to exercise. I mean I have those excuses sure, but they're are not the reasons I'm the weight that I am. The reason would be that I'm just lazy. I don't have the willpower I need to put forth a good weight loss effort. Yes, I take Zumba classes twice a week. But Zumba alone can not transform an overweight body. There needs to be nutritional changes, and additional activity. I KNOW this. I was a certified fitness instructor for cryin out loud. I have all the books. It's just implementing the knowledge that I have, that seems to be the problem.
So sadly, I'll take all 217 fu*#ing pounds to the beach with me. What I won't be taking...is a bathing suit. It'll be sundresses on the beach for me, and shorts & a tank at the pool if needed. I won't put anyone else through the embarrassment of looking at me this way. And I certainly won't put myself through that kind of torture.
In high school I was a svelt 110 pounds. I was that weight from probably the end of my sophmore year on. I was a dancer when I was young so I was always proud of my shapely legs and tiny waist. Vain, no...just very happy with myself. My older brother's friends always found it funny to wrap a belt around my waist and mark it. Then wrap it around their thighs to see who's was closest. That was a real ego boost for me! My measurements in those fab days were 34-23-36. Yes a bit hippy, but I loved my ass and my curves! (but damn would I give almost anything for that hip measurement now!)
Then I got married, and instead of putting on the freshman 15 at college, I put on the newlywed 40. Then came kids, and divorce...stacking on another 40. I lost a bit after the divorce...when I was looking for a new man. I got back down to 176 (again, I'd love to be there now). Then met Kelly, and packed it all back on again. That's what I get for marrying a guy who loves to cook and has a high metabolism. Ouch. I was 197 on my wedding day, and have since gained even MORE.
I'm now tipping the scales at 217. I'm not a good dieter...I totally admit that. I don't have excuses like my kids are picky, or Kelly cooks bad things, or I don't have time to exercise. I mean I have those excuses sure, but they're are not the reasons I'm the weight that I am. The reason would be that I'm just lazy. I don't have the willpower I need to put forth a good weight loss effort. Yes, I take Zumba classes twice a week. But Zumba alone can not transform an overweight body. There needs to be nutritional changes, and additional activity. I KNOW this. I was a certified fitness instructor for cryin out loud. I have all the books. It's just implementing the knowledge that I have, that seems to be the problem.
So sadly, I'll take all 217 fu*#ing pounds to the beach with me. What I won't be taking...is a bathing suit. It'll be sundresses on the beach for me, and shorts & a tank at the pool if needed. I won't put anyone else through the embarrassment of looking at me this way. And I certainly won't put myself through that kind of torture.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Nissans and Mazdas and Chevy's...oh my
So my lease on my beloved (though way outta my price range) Charger is up a couple months. So the car shopping has begun. Kel has been out all day looking around, and calling me. Car shopping by phone is just as tricky as it sounds.
"Do you like this? What about this? This one doesn't have a sunroof, are you ok with that? You sure you want a dark color?" Argh, it's exasperating. But apparently Friday is the day that I will get a new car.
Kel seems to think it'll be relatively easy. That's the optimist in him. The realist in me is saying No F'in way will it be simple. My credit is pretty much in the toilet. BUT...Any payment pretty much at this point will be less than what I'm paying for the Charger....and I mean that. The guy at the Chevy dealer told Kel "Holy shit, I could get you in a top of the line Corvette for that payment!" Right, thanks for the reminder that we got screwed when we bought the Charger. Right...the guy that sold us the car? Yeah, he got fired for scamming customers and the dealership. Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do about it and we've been stuck with a payment we can't nearly afford for 5 years...ouch. That has a lot to do with the uneviable credit situation as well.
So the players that will get a test drive on Friday are the Mazda6, Chevy Malibu, Nissan Altima, and Dodge Calibur. The Mazda and the Altima are sporty little numbers that I would love to have if the numbers work right. The Malibu Kelly seems to prefer, and the Calibur, I'm not sure how it got in the mix but it's there now. No matter which car I get, it will be a downgrade from what I'm drivng now. But I'm willing to give up quite a bit in my car to get a payment that will allow me to pay allll my other bills as well.
And the bonus? I'll have a new car to take on the vacation to Hilton Head. That's all my wonderful hubby's idea. I guess I'll keep him!
**update...kel said no to the Nissan when the no one came to help him outside and when he went Inside, he had to wait for the salesman to finish Harvesting his crop on FARMVILLE before he was helped...ugh.
"Do you like this? What about this? This one doesn't have a sunroof, are you ok with that? You sure you want a dark color?" Argh, it's exasperating. But apparently Friday is the day that I will get a new car.
Kel seems to think it'll be relatively easy. That's the optimist in him. The realist in me is saying No F'in way will it be simple. My credit is pretty much in the toilet. BUT...Any payment pretty much at this point will be less than what I'm paying for the Charger....and I mean that. The guy at the Chevy dealer told Kel "Holy shit, I could get you in a top of the line Corvette for that payment!" Right, thanks for the reminder that we got screwed when we bought the Charger. Right...the guy that sold us the car? Yeah, he got fired for scamming customers and the dealership. Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do about it and we've been stuck with a payment we can't nearly afford for 5 years...ouch. That has a lot to do with the uneviable credit situation as well.
So the players that will get a test drive on Friday are the Mazda6, Chevy Malibu, Nissan Altima, and Dodge Calibur. The Mazda and the Altima are sporty little numbers that I would love to have if the numbers work right. The Malibu Kelly seems to prefer, and the Calibur, I'm not sure how it got in the mix but it's there now. No matter which car I get, it will be a downgrade from what I'm drivng now. But I'm willing to give up quite a bit in my car to get a payment that will allow me to pay allll my other bills as well.
And the bonus? I'll have a new car to take on the vacation to Hilton Head. That's all my wonderful hubby's idea. I guess I'll keep him!
**update...kel said no to the Nissan when the no one came to help him outside and when he went Inside, he had to wait for the salesman to finish Harvesting his crop on FARMVILLE before he was helped...ugh.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Things I've learned from the girls in my life...
1. Girls are DRAMA exemplified. (my neice Abby 19 - high school years)
Abby was the first 'young girl' in my life that went through the high school thing. Now, I flew pretty much under the radar at school. (which is the same school she is graduating from Sunday) I wasn't the popular kid, and I wasn't the loser either. No one hated me, but everyone knew me. So hearing all the stuff that Abby would come home with intrigued me at least. She was (and is) the borderline popular girl. Gorgeous, athletic, funny...all the qualities you want your kid to be. But MAN, the stories she would come home with about how mean the girls could be, and quickly your friends became your enemies were crazy! She was over it by Sophmore year, and was content to be friends with more boys than girls... And you can imagine what kind of additional drama that caused!
2. Just be you (my daughter Alyson, age 11)
My oldest is eclectic and knows what she likes and doesn't like. And honestly, she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. And ya know what, people like her for that! She has a very close knit group of friends that feel the same way. They are all so different, yet the same. She's a dancer, and her best friends are a basketball player, a soccer player and volleyball/band member. She likes to do well in school, and has no problem telling people that. She thinks peer pressure is ridiculous, and wonders why anyone would do something because someone else wants them to. She's an original, and makes me feel better being in my own skin.
3. Be Happy! (my daughter Hailey, age 9)
She's such a happy little soul, you can't help but smile around her. I honestly think I can see a room brighten every time she walks in. I don't know anyone who doesn't just fall in love with her upbeat and positive attitude when they meet her. She's unassuming and innocent (for the most part) and makes me feel lucky that she's mine.
4. You don't have to compromise. (my Neice Abby 19, again school years)As I said, the girl is beautiful. So there was no shortage of guys who wanted to go out with her. But boy oh boy, they get stupid when they're dating. Luckily, Abby is strong enough in her beliefs and convictions that she knows she doesn't have to settle for anything. She knows the Peanut Butter and Jelly theory, and hopefully she'll keep that and her strong will in her mind when she heads off to college.
5. Be a kid for as long as you can. (My neice Emily 15)
I love this girl. She's 15, and still loves to play with my girls. She's really in no rush to grow up, and I adore that quality. Granted, the boyfriends are calling and she's going out with friends, but she still acts like a 15 year old...not like a 20 year old. She reminds me that being a grown up doesn't have to be a full time thing.
6. We may want a man, but we certainly don't NEED one. (Linda 29:) )
Linda has been proving to me for the past 6-7 years that 'she don't need no stinkin man'. I swear, she knows how to do, fix, prepare and rig up so many things that it just boggles my mind. She can do easily, all the things that I always depended on my ex or my hubby or my dad or my brothers to do for me. She has inspired me many times over to tackle projects I deemed impossible for me. Of course...I usually just end up calling her instead.
7. Men don't always wear the pants (my sister in law Deb)
Deb is one of the biggest inspirations of my life. She's my rock, my shoulder, my partner in crime. Although I do love my brother dearly, he doesn NOT run the house! Deb is totally in control (she wouldn't have it any other way) of everything that happens in that house. She keeps it clean, does the bills, brings home the bacon and lays down the rules. She has shown me that I can take charge, and enjoy doing so!
8. Men may not wear them, but sometimes we need to let them think they do (Mary also 29 :) )
Yes, with 3 boys under 7 running around her house, she has a surprising amount of control. Her hubby works nights, so is sleeping most (ie: ALL) of the day. So she must keep said boys quiet all day as not to disturb him. She is a stay at home mom, so her hubby brings home all the physical 'pay'. He has NO idea of what Mary does all day long (though he often thinks it's nothing). So instead of arguing her point, she just lets him think that he wears the pants. That is soooo far from the truth, but at least it saves an hour's worth of wasted breath.
and those are just SOME of the lessons I've learned from the wonderful, amazing females in my life...Thanks chickies!
Abby was the first 'young girl' in my life that went through the high school thing. Now, I flew pretty much under the radar at school. (which is the same school she is graduating from Sunday) I wasn't the popular kid, and I wasn't the loser either. No one hated me, but everyone knew me. So hearing all the stuff that Abby would come home with intrigued me at least. She was (and is) the borderline popular girl. Gorgeous, athletic, funny...all the qualities you want your kid to be. But MAN, the stories she would come home with about how mean the girls could be, and quickly your friends became your enemies were crazy! She was over it by Sophmore year, and was content to be friends with more boys than girls... And you can imagine what kind of additional drama that caused!
2. Just be you (my daughter Alyson, age 11)
My oldest is eclectic and knows what she likes and doesn't like. And honestly, she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. And ya know what, people like her for that! She has a very close knit group of friends that feel the same way. They are all so different, yet the same. She's a dancer, and her best friends are a basketball player, a soccer player and volleyball/band member. She likes to do well in school, and has no problem telling people that. She thinks peer pressure is ridiculous, and wonders why anyone would do something because someone else wants them to. She's an original, and makes me feel better being in my own skin.
3. Be Happy! (my daughter Hailey, age 9)
She's such a happy little soul, you can't help but smile around her. I honestly think I can see a room brighten every time she walks in. I don't know anyone who doesn't just fall in love with her upbeat and positive attitude when they meet her. She's unassuming and innocent (for the most part) and makes me feel lucky that she's mine.
4. You don't have to compromise. (my Neice Abby 19, again school years)As I said, the girl is beautiful. So there was no shortage of guys who wanted to go out with her. But boy oh boy, they get stupid when they're dating. Luckily, Abby is strong enough in her beliefs and convictions that she knows she doesn't have to settle for anything. She knows the Peanut Butter and Jelly theory, and hopefully she'll keep that and her strong will in her mind when she heads off to college.
5. Be a kid for as long as you can. (My neice Emily 15)
I love this girl. She's 15, and still loves to play with my girls. She's really in no rush to grow up, and I adore that quality. Granted, the boyfriends are calling and she's going out with friends, but she still acts like a 15 year old...not like a 20 year old. She reminds me that being a grown up doesn't have to be a full time thing.
6. We may want a man, but we certainly don't NEED one. (Linda 29:) )
Linda has been proving to me for the past 6-7 years that 'she don't need no stinkin man'. I swear, she knows how to do, fix, prepare and rig up so many things that it just boggles my mind. She can do easily, all the things that I always depended on my ex or my hubby or my dad or my brothers to do for me. She has inspired me many times over to tackle projects I deemed impossible for me. Of course...I usually just end up calling her instead.
7. Men don't always wear the pants (my sister in law Deb)
Deb is one of the biggest inspirations of my life. She's my rock, my shoulder, my partner in crime. Although I do love my brother dearly, he doesn NOT run the house! Deb is totally in control (she wouldn't have it any other way) of everything that happens in that house. She keeps it clean, does the bills, brings home the bacon and lays down the rules. She has shown me that I can take charge, and enjoy doing so!
8. Men may not wear them, but sometimes we need to let them think they do (Mary also 29 :) )
Yes, with 3 boys under 7 running around her house, she has a surprising amount of control. Her hubby works nights, so is sleeping most (ie: ALL) of the day. So she must keep said boys quiet all day as not to disturb him. She is a stay at home mom, so her hubby brings home all the physical 'pay'. He has NO idea of what Mary does all day long (though he often thinks it's nothing). So instead of arguing her point, she just lets him think that he wears the pants. That is soooo far from the truth, but at least it saves an hour's worth of wasted breath.
and those are just SOME of the lessons I've learned from the wonderful, amazing females in my life...Thanks chickies!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Victims of the money crunch...
No, not me per say. I will not consider myself a victim, not in the slightest. The victims I speak of are the things that I have given up due to our recent decrease in income. (Kel was let go as GM of an Arby's and hired on as a GM of an Ihop) I like pancakes sooo much more than Roast Beef anyway, bleh. What I will miss, is the delicious fountain Pepsi I occasionaly splurged on at Arby's. They and Taco Bell have The Best Pepsi EVER. Period. But since I refuse to patronize Arby's ever again, and the line at Taco Bell is always ridiculously long I have done away with the fountain Pepsi.
In addition to that, I'm done with soda in general. Not only because it's bad for me (180 calories in a can? So not worth it) but because the reusable 32 ounce plastic container from Wal-Mart was $2.50 and water is free from the tap. That makes sense to even me.
Another victim? My hair. My poor roots are at least 2 inches grown out. I haven't had it cut in months...like 5 months. The cut I'm not so much worried about, as I was planning on growing my hair out anyway. The color however, I'm not thrilled about at all. It's Spring, closing in on summer, and I don't have my summery blonde highlights with a splash of burgundy thrown in for an interesting touch. I still have my winter shade of chocolate lowlights with the blonde hilights. Not Cool.
I also have been relegated to wearing my glasses full time. This, I am particularly not happy about. I love my contacts, and I want them back. But new ones just aren't in the budget right now. I miss them, and I am totally over the studious hot chick look I'm sporting. (yes I'm saying I'm studious and hot...get over it. My imagination wouldn't lie about how I look...)
My beloved Tap class. I miss it too. Fortunately not as much, since my favortie teacher, Michelle, was not teaching this year. That made it a tad easier to give up. Not that I don't like Diana, I really do. But I'm a grown woman, and I'd rather dance to top 40 and pop, and have a raucus good time with other women as nutty as me, instead of dancing to Jazzy music that I don't know and seriously focusing on technique. (I'm not big on the whole 'focus' idea)
Shopping in general has also gone on hiatus. I LOVE to shop. Hmm, that could be part of the reason that other things have had to be given up. Nonsense, that's crazy talk. I can't even go and browse. I'm not a good window shopper. I can't remember the last time I walked out of Target empty handed. I have good intentions of just killing time and looking, but there's always that one thing I can't live without. And it's only $7.99. Unfortunately, 5-7 items that are only $7.99 add up to quite a bit more rather quickly. That's a lesson I can't seem to learn, no matter how many times I make the mistake.
ok...the hubby just showed up with a $20.00 gift card for Applebee's...so I must be off for some seldom had quality time! Yay!
In addition to that, I'm done with soda in general. Not only because it's bad for me (180 calories in a can? So not worth it) but because the reusable 32 ounce plastic container from Wal-Mart was $2.50 and water is free from the tap. That makes sense to even me.
Another victim? My hair. My poor roots are at least 2 inches grown out. I haven't had it cut in months...like 5 months. The cut I'm not so much worried about, as I was planning on growing my hair out anyway. The color however, I'm not thrilled about at all. It's Spring, closing in on summer, and I don't have my summery blonde highlights with a splash of burgundy thrown in for an interesting touch. I still have my winter shade of chocolate lowlights with the blonde hilights. Not Cool.
I also have been relegated to wearing my glasses full time. This, I am particularly not happy about. I love my contacts, and I want them back. But new ones just aren't in the budget right now. I miss them, and I am totally over the studious hot chick look I'm sporting. (yes I'm saying I'm studious and hot...get over it. My imagination wouldn't lie about how I look...)
My beloved Tap class. I miss it too. Fortunately not as much, since my favortie teacher, Michelle, was not teaching this year. That made it a tad easier to give up. Not that I don't like Diana, I really do. But I'm a grown woman, and I'd rather dance to top 40 and pop, and have a raucus good time with other women as nutty as me, instead of dancing to Jazzy music that I don't know and seriously focusing on technique. (I'm not big on the whole 'focus' idea)
Shopping in general has also gone on hiatus. I LOVE to shop. Hmm, that could be part of the reason that other things have had to be given up. Nonsense, that's crazy talk. I can't even go and browse. I'm not a good window shopper. I can't remember the last time I walked out of Target empty handed. I have good intentions of just killing time and looking, but there's always that one thing I can't live without. And it's only $7.99. Unfortunately, 5-7 items that are only $7.99 add up to quite a bit more rather quickly. That's a lesson I can't seem to learn, no matter how many times I make the mistake.
ok...the hubby just showed up with a $20.00 gift card for Applebee's...so I must be off for some seldom had quality time! Yay!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Could it be?...He's mad at ME??
Not that this would be a first or anything, but it would go in a very short list of times. Well a short list of times that he's actually shown he was mad at me. It comes with mixed emotions. Curiosity as to why he's mad, along with an almost disgust in myself for even caring. Let's rewind, shall we?
My ex and I married a month after I graduated, at 18 years old. We had dated all through high school. I met him on a blind date set up by mutual friends when I was 15. (Of course I can hardly imagine even letting my daughter date when she's 15, but that's a whole 4 years away.) We managed to make it 9 1/2 years in the marriage. Ten if you count the time between when he moved out and when I actually filed.
The end came when I found out he went on a 10 day vacation with another chick, and a weekend getaway on top of that. To make it worse, SHE is the one that informed me by putting a picture she had taken of him at a hotel they were staying at on their way to Reno, in my mailbox. However, I didn't end it. I wanted him to stay. After several move outs and in's, he told me as I laid on the couch "I just don't love you anymore." Ouch. I simply said ok and went to my fridge to get a bottle of wine. I don't drink, but I did that night. I remember it was a nice evening. I went to the backyard and just sat and drank from the bottle. I can't remember now how long I cried, but I know I was out there a long ass time.
After it was 'over' there were several times that we hooked up at the house for some break up sex. Which in hindsight probably wasn't such a good idea. I would have taken him back in a second...many times over. I read my journal entries from then and can't believe what a whimpy sap I was. Believe it or not, right after I started seeing my Kelly, the ex called and asked if there were any chance at all for us to get back together. It was the first time that my heart didn't flutter at the thought. That was when I knew I was ready to move on. Granted it was almost 2 full years after the initial break off, but at least I recognized the moment and wrote about it in my journal right after I hung up the phone with him.
The divorce was finalized on my 29th birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me! We've been very civil and downright friendly to eachother in the years since the divorce. Of course I have found out what my family really thought of him through the years. But family will tell ya whatever you need to hear to boost you up. We have 2 kids together, so keeping distance was never really an option. And I truely do value his friendship. I do whatever I can do to work around his schedule with the kids. I get gifts for the kids to take to him on Father's day and his birthday. I even got his new wife a mother's day card from our kids to give to her. Don't get me wrong, I hate her with a passion. REAAALLLLLY hate her. (she's the 'other woman' that helped bust up the marriage) But she's good to my kids so I can't begrudge her for that...I guess.
So what have I done that has made him so angry that he won't look at me when he comes in to give me a check for the dance studio? (Yes I texted him and asked if he was still planning on paying for some of it.) I was very nice in the text, and was not demanding at all. Although everyone else seems to think I play way to nice with him, and that I still let him walk all over me. Whatever. More over, why do I even care why he's mad, or that he's mad at all? I'm such a sucker...lol.
I guess some ties run a little too deep for comfort...ick.
My ex and I married a month after I graduated, at 18 years old. We had dated all through high school. I met him on a blind date set up by mutual friends when I was 15. (Of course I can hardly imagine even letting my daughter date when she's 15, but that's a whole 4 years away.) We managed to make it 9 1/2 years in the marriage. Ten if you count the time between when he moved out and when I actually filed.
The end came when I found out he went on a 10 day vacation with another chick, and a weekend getaway on top of that. To make it worse, SHE is the one that informed me by putting a picture she had taken of him at a hotel they were staying at on their way to Reno, in my mailbox. However, I didn't end it. I wanted him to stay. After several move outs and in's, he told me as I laid on the couch "I just don't love you anymore." Ouch. I simply said ok and went to my fridge to get a bottle of wine. I don't drink, but I did that night. I remember it was a nice evening. I went to the backyard and just sat and drank from the bottle. I can't remember now how long I cried, but I know I was out there a long ass time.
After it was 'over' there were several times that we hooked up at the house for some break up sex. Which in hindsight probably wasn't such a good idea. I would have taken him back in a second...many times over. I read my journal entries from then and can't believe what a whimpy sap I was. Believe it or not, right after I started seeing my Kelly, the ex called and asked if there were any chance at all for us to get back together. It was the first time that my heart didn't flutter at the thought. That was when I knew I was ready to move on. Granted it was almost 2 full years after the initial break off, but at least I recognized the moment and wrote about it in my journal right after I hung up the phone with him.
The divorce was finalized on my 29th birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me! We've been very civil and downright friendly to eachother in the years since the divorce. Of course I have found out what my family really thought of him through the years. But family will tell ya whatever you need to hear to boost you up. We have 2 kids together, so keeping distance was never really an option. And I truely do value his friendship. I do whatever I can do to work around his schedule with the kids. I get gifts for the kids to take to him on Father's day and his birthday. I even got his new wife a mother's day card from our kids to give to her. Don't get me wrong, I hate her with a passion. REAAALLLLLY hate her. (she's the 'other woman' that helped bust up the marriage) But she's good to my kids so I can't begrudge her for that...I guess.
So what have I done that has made him so angry that he won't look at me when he comes in to give me a check for the dance studio? (Yes I texted him and asked if he was still planning on paying for some of it.) I was very nice in the text, and was not demanding at all. Although everyone else seems to think I play way to nice with him, and that I still let him walk all over me. Whatever. More over, why do I even care why he's mad, or that he's mad at all? I'm such a sucker...lol.
I guess some ties run a little too deep for comfort...ick.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Sometimes it's just best to ground myself...
Ugh. That pretty much sums it up. Do you ever have those days when you just know you should really stay away from people? That would be today. I'm oh so very cranky and in an incredibly foul mood. One of those moods that you would probably say all the things that you usually have the good sense not to say. One of those days when the usual 'under your breath' mutterings would come out loud and clear.
Days when you would tell the annoying ass of a neighbor down the street that just because your kid asks to come to my house and play inside doesn't mean you have to say yes. I don't even like you and I certainly don't want to be in charge of your kid. I can't even understand a word he says. Teach him how to talk for cryin' out loud!
I would even tell the stranger making comments about my hubby and fellow peep that she doesn't know us well enough to call us names. Yes, I can call them names, and the inner circle can call them names. You, my dear, may not, and you show incredible poor judgement and lack of taste in doing so.
And ohhh yes, I would tell the jackass that is my exhusband, that when you say your going to pay something, you should probably do it. Don't tell me "Just shut up and let me pay for the rest of the girls' dance', and then give me one check for $150.00 and then forget that you ever said that. That will get you a big 'F' you from me. That just reassures me that I can not now, nor ever, count on you.
Oh I'd let loose with both barrels today, and I might even lose some friends over the things I'd say. And I know I'd make more than 1 child cry. I might even make a dog or two cower in the corner with their tails between their legs. Yes, days like today I just need to stay away from people...for my own good and for theirs.
...unfortunately my poor hubby has no place to go. So for the sake of my marriage, I shall make myself busy making photo mats for recital pictures. Hopefully, he'll be spared my wrath...
Days when you would tell the annoying ass of a neighbor down the street that just because your kid asks to come to my house and play inside doesn't mean you have to say yes. I don't even like you and I certainly don't want to be in charge of your kid. I can't even understand a word he says. Teach him how to talk for cryin' out loud!
I would even tell the stranger making comments about my hubby and fellow peep that she doesn't know us well enough to call us names. Yes, I can call them names, and the inner circle can call them names. You, my dear, may not, and you show incredible poor judgement and lack of taste in doing so.
And ohhh yes, I would tell the jackass that is my exhusband, that when you say your going to pay something, you should probably do it. Don't tell me "Just shut up and let me pay for the rest of the girls' dance', and then give me one check for $150.00 and then forget that you ever said that. That will get you a big 'F' you from me. That just reassures me that I can not now, nor ever, count on you.
Oh I'd let loose with both barrels today, and I might even lose some friends over the things I'd say. And I know I'd make more than 1 child cry. I might even make a dog or two cower in the corner with their tails between their legs. Yes, days like today I just need to stay away from people...for my own good and for theirs.
...unfortunately my poor hubby has no place to go. So for the sake of my marriage, I shall make myself busy making photo mats for recital pictures. Hopefully, he'll be spared my wrath...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
And now for a musical interlude...
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a fan of all things music. My tastes are all over the place and range from new to old, country to broadway and all things in between. Here now (since I'm a bit bored) are the songs my ipod tends to land on most frequently. If I were you (but I'm not) I'd take the time just to check them out if for no other reason than to kill some time.
Merry Happy - Kate Nash
This song, with it's doo doo da-doo doo's and talk of cheese on toast is just a happy lil diddy that makes me smile.
Crazy People - The Wreckers
Very distinct country twang and sweet harmonies. It's the perfect drunk chick country song about getting knocked up, knocked out and killing the sob's wife who did it...them him as well. It's all sung with a funny vibe and they just crack themselves up at the end of the song.
Ruby Blue - Roisin Murphy
Definite dance tunage. Makes you have an attitude, and you can't help but groove to the catchy beat and Austin Powers like vibe. Very Groooovy baby.
Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Yup, heard this song for the first time on So You Think You Can Dance and instantly fell in love with it. The melody is haunting and it makes you completely chill out. Of course, I see the dance that was done to it in my head, which just intensifies the meaning of the song. Look up Kayla & Kupono addiction on you tube to see the dance...no really...do it.
Very Busy People - The Limousines
Warning-explicit lyrics. Fun song though.."so come and knock upon our door, it's open whatchyou waitin for, we might be sprawled out on the floor, but we still make lovely company." Really? How can that not be a great song?
The Outsiders - Needtobreathe
I CAN NOT get enough of this song! And believe it or not, they sound just as incredible live and acoustic as they do on the single. They are a Christian group and their songs have fabulous lyrics and melodies. Just AMAZING...check it out NOW!
Pink Moon - Nick Drake
Can you say Mellow? I know I can.
Rainbow Connection - Draw Tippy
Yup, Kermit's song done up all punky...very cool!
Yesterday - Boyz II Men
A-Capella version of a classic song. Boyz II Men does a-capella like no one's business. Crazy good. No matter how many times I listen...I still get goosebumps every time.
Swing Life Away - Rise Against (acoustic version)
I've just always liked this song. "Sit on the front porch and swing life away..." Cool man...
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
This song was sampled in the current hit Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo. The sample does not do the original song justice. The melody is magical and flowing, and the lack of backing music makes the song incredible.
Mad - Ne-Yo
I loved this song way before Philip and Janeen danced it on SYTYCD. I love Ne-Yo's voice...smooth and velvety.
You and I - Ingrid Michaelson
Quirky and upbeat...two wonderful qualities to have in a song. Yay!
Oh I could go on and on. But I shall break for now and let you check out all the fab tunage listed on here. Feel free to let me know your faves...I'm always up for checking out new music!
Merry Happy - Kate Nash
This song, with it's doo doo da-doo doo's and talk of cheese on toast is just a happy lil diddy that makes me smile.
Crazy People - The Wreckers
Very distinct country twang and sweet harmonies. It's the perfect drunk chick country song about getting knocked up, knocked out and killing the sob's wife who did it...them him as well. It's all sung with a funny vibe and they just crack themselves up at the end of the song.
Ruby Blue - Roisin Murphy
Definite dance tunage. Makes you have an attitude, and you can't help but groove to the catchy beat and Austin Powers like vibe. Very Groooovy baby.
Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Yup, heard this song for the first time on So You Think You Can Dance and instantly fell in love with it. The melody is haunting and it makes you completely chill out. Of course, I see the dance that was done to it in my head, which just intensifies the meaning of the song. Look up Kayla & Kupono addiction on you tube to see the dance...no really...do it.
Very Busy People - The Limousines
Warning-explicit lyrics. Fun song though.."so come and knock upon our door, it's open whatchyou waitin for, we might be sprawled out on the floor, but we still make lovely company." Really? How can that not be a great song?
The Outsiders - Needtobreathe
I CAN NOT get enough of this song! And believe it or not, they sound just as incredible live and acoustic as they do on the single. They are a Christian group and their songs have fabulous lyrics and melodies. Just AMAZING...check it out NOW!
Pink Moon - Nick Drake
Can you say Mellow? I know I can.
Rainbow Connection - Draw Tippy
Yup, Kermit's song done up all punky...very cool!
Yesterday - Boyz II Men
A-Capella version of a classic song. Boyz II Men does a-capella like no one's business. Crazy good. No matter how many times I listen...I still get goosebumps every time.
Swing Life Away - Rise Against (acoustic version)
I've just always liked this song. "Sit on the front porch and swing life away..." Cool man...
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
This song was sampled in the current hit Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo. The sample does not do the original song justice. The melody is magical and flowing, and the lack of backing music makes the song incredible.
Mad - Ne-Yo
I loved this song way before Philip and Janeen danced it on SYTYCD. I love Ne-Yo's voice...smooth and velvety.
You and I - Ingrid Michaelson
Quirky and upbeat...two wonderful qualities to have in a song. Yay!
Oh I could go on and on. But I shall break for now and let you check out all the fab tunage listed on here. Feel free to let me know your faves...I'm always up for checking out new music!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I need a vaporizer gun...pronto
Wouldn't that be great? To just get rid of someone, without a trace. Not just anyone though. Only the foulest, most wretched people walking the planet. Like my husbands...oh I dunno what to call her...unfortunate drunken one night stand that turned into a lifetime of torture because she got knocked up. Oh, ahem, sorry...my temper flared there a bit. But seriously, I HATE this woman with every fiber of my being...no kidding here.
He was a 19 year old Canadian kid who had a penchant for alcohol. Being Canadian...he could legally drink at 19, and did...a lot. He got smashed at a party and had sex with this beastly creature. Oddly enough, he remembers nothing of it. Only that he woke up next to her, and walked downstairs to ask his buddies what the hell they were thinking to let him go upstairs with her. They were obviously all drunk too, so they could care less. At that point, with gallons of alcohol flowing through their systems, I'm sure she looked like a hottie. (ooh...uck...I think I just threw up a little)
When she came to him and gave him the preggo news, he was in disbelief. He came right out and told her he didn't want a kid, had no desire to be a father. He then offered to drive her to and from and pay for an abortion. I'm not saying that's right or wrong...I'm not getting political or righteous...just stating the facts. Somewhere in this crazy chicks messed up version of a brain, she though if she had the baby, he would stick around. Again, he re-iterated that would not be the case. She, being the sick headcase that she is, thought he wouldn't have a choice and went ahead with the pregnancy.
Now, my hubby did the right thing. He helped take care of her, watched her while he was going to school and working full time. He made it very clear through all this that he wanted NOTHING to do with psycho mommy chick. He got a job offer in the states, and took it. Pissing off said psycho mommy because her plans to win him with child would not work out. He again told her, I didn't want a kid, this was your choice to keep her. He moved to the states, and has since sent $250 every month to her. None of this money gets to his daughter, as the mom thinks it's far more important to drink and go out than buy her daughter clothes that actually fit her. Now she wants to ship her off to us for the summer, knowing that Kel works 50-60 hours a week and I work a full time 40 hour job as well. My kids go to a sitter during the day, and usually have extra-curricular plans in the evening ie: volleyball, dance, cheering etc. Hmm, can we say 'not fair' to leave her here all day by herself?
I'm not gonna lie, his daughter and I do not see eye to eye. She's not fond of me and I'm not fond of kids who don't listen to adults. Granted, none of this is her fault. She just had the misfortune of being given a wicked human being as a mother. So back to my vaporizer gun. I want it and a time machine. I want to go back to that fateful night 13 years ago and vaporize that scheming, horrible, nasty beast who liked to take advantage of blisteringly drunk younger guys. Life would be so much merrier.
...at least I can enjoy the fact that I can rub it in her face forever more, that I have the man she so desperately tried to keep. HA!!
He was a 19 year old Canadian kid who had a penchant for alcohol. Being Canadian...he could legally drink at 19, and did...a lot. He got smashed at a party and had sex with this beastly creature. Oddly enough, he remembers nothing of it. Only that he woke up next to her, and walked downstairs to ask his buddies what the hell they were thinking to let him go upstairs with her. They were obviously all drunk too, so they could care less. At that point, with gallons of alcohol flowing through their systems, I'm sure she looked like a hottie. (ooh...uck...I think I just threw up a little)
When she came to him and gave him the preggo news, he was in disbelief. He came right out and told her he didn't want a kid, had no desire to be a father. He then offered to drive her to and from and pay for an abortion. I'm not saying that's right or wrong...I'm not getting political or righteous...just stating the facts. Somewhere in this crazy chicks messed up version of a brain, she though if she had the baby, he would stick around. Again, he re-iterated that would not be the case. She, being the sick headcase that she is, thought he wouldn't have a choice and went ahead with the pregnancy.
Now, my hubby did the right thing. He helped take care of her, watched her while he was going to school and working full time. He made it very clear through all this that he wanted NOTHING to do with psycho mommy chick. He got a job offer in the states, and took it. Pissing off said psycho mommy because her plans to win him with child would not work out. He again told her, I didn't want a kid, this was your choice to keep her. He moved to the states, and has since sent $250 every month to her. None of this money gets to his daughter, as the mom thinks it's far more important to drink and go out than buy her daughter clothes that actually fit her. Now she wants to ship her off to us for the summer, knowing that Kel works 50-60 hours a week and I work a full time 40 hour job as well. My kids go to a sitter during the day, and usually have extra-curricular plans in the evening ie: volleyball, dance, cheering etc. Hmm, can we say 'not fair' to leave her here all day by herself?
I'm not gonna lie, his daughter and I do not see eye to eye. She's not fond of me and I'm not fond of kids who don't listen to adults. Granted, none of this is her fault. She just had the misfortune of being given a wicked human being as a mother. So back to my vaporizer gun. I want it and a time machine. I want to go back to that fateful night 13 years ago and vaporize that scheming, horrible, nasty beast who liked to take advantage of blisteringly drunk younger guys. Life would be so much merrier.
...at least I can enjoy the fact that I can rub it in her face forever more, that I have the man she so desperately tried to keep. HA!!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Weekend tidbits...best title I could come up with
I'm Materialistic...so what?
So in my weight loss journey I have discovered that I respond quite well to bribery. I have a lil binder of things I want...mostly clothes and shoes. I tried a thing this weekend...If I could stay on track and log everything (I'm a member at fitorbit.com... Love ya Ilyse!) (for more info, visit the site) I would allow myself to buy something from my list. 2 dinners with friends, and a birthday party, and I ate nothing bad, and totally stayed on track. WOW that's a first for me. The idea of buying myself a new dress for eating right and exercising for 3 party, dinner filled days was enough to throw my willpower into overdrive! So I went to Kohl's on my break today and bought my dress. I now have weekly goals, that if I meet them I get to buy myself something from my list. So far it seems brilliant!
Me and kids...yeah we don't get along so much...
I realized at the birthday party this weekend that I really have no patience or tolerance for obnoxious little boys. Unfortunately I was surrounded by them at the party. I was already a bit cranky, and these boys were going to get the full brunt of my disdain for them. I actually told one of them "I know where you sleep and I can hurt you." What?!?! He's 11 or 12 or whatever he is. But this kid rubs me the wrong way every time I look at him. I sometimes imagine myself accidentally smacking him in the head with a baseball bat. I am a bad, bad person... I've always said I'm just as immature as the kids...and I tend to say to kids what other adults want to, but know better. Not me...I'm the psycho mom of the street. And oddly enough I think I'm ok with that. My kids?...not so sure...
The obnoxious Chrylser Financial guy...
You sir, can kiss my ass. ahem. I know I owe you money, my husband pays that account, not me. Talk to him. Do not call me at work and tell me you need a check by phone today. I don't respond well to people trying to bully me. I actually said, "sir, I Could give you a check by phone, but there's not money there, and it would bounce. Honestly, that wouldn't be any good for you, and it certainly wouldn't be good for me." And upon asking for my husbands work number? "I'm sorry sir, I can't give you that information, privacy act and all." When asked to have my husband call this afternoon? "Well sir, I can give him the message, but I'm certainly not going to dial the phone, and I won't force him to talk to you. So sure, I'll let him know, but I can't guarantee he'll actually call." I was pleased with my cleverness. I'm sure I'll be even more quirky next time he dares call me at work. Go ahead Mr. Harmon, I dare you.
So in my weight loss journey I have discovered that I respond quite well to bribery. I have a lil binder of things I want...mostly clothes and shoes. I tried a thing this weekend...If I could stay on track and log everything (I'm a member at fitorbit.com... Love ya Ilyse!) (for more info, visit the site) I would allow myself to buy something from my list. 2 dinners with friends, and a birthday party, and I ate nothing bad, and totally stayed on track. WOW that's a first for me. The idea of buying myself a new dress for eating right and exercising for 3 party, dinner filled days was enough to throw my willpower into overdrive! So I went to Kohl's on my break today and bought my dress. I now have weekly goals, that if I meet them I get to buy myself something from my list. So far it seems brilliant!
Me and kids...yeah we don't get along so much...
I realized at the birthday party this weekend that I really have no patience or tolerance for obnoxious little boys. Unfortunately I was surrounded by them at the party. I was already a bit cranky, and these boys were going to get the full brunt of my disdain for them. I actually told one of them "I know where you sleep and I can hurt you." What?!?! He's 11 or 12 or whatever he is. But this kid rubs me the wrong way every time I look at him. I sometimes imagine myself accidentally smacking him in the head with a baseball bat. I am a bad, bad person... I've always said I'm just as immature as the kids...and I tend to say to kids what other adults want to, but know better. Not me...I'm the psycho mom of the street. And oddly enough I think I'm ok with that. My kids?...not so sure...
The obnoxious Chrylser Financial guy...
You sir, can kiss my ass. ahem. I know I owe you money, my husband pays that account, not me. Talk to him. Do not call me at work and tell me you need a check by phone today. I don't respond well to people trying to bully me. I actually said, "sir, I Could give you a check by phone, but there's not money there, and it would bounce. Honestly, that wouldn't be any good for you, and it certainly wouldn't be good for me." And upon asking for my husbands work number? "I'm sorry sir, I can't give you that information, privacy act and all." When asked to have my husband call this afternoon? "Well sir, I can give him the message, but I'm certainly not going to dial the phone, and I won't force him to talk to you. So sure, I'll let him know, but I can't guarantee he'll actually call." I was pleased with my cleverness. I'm sure I'll be even more quirky next time he dares call me at work. Go ahead Mr. Harmon, I dare you.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Cows and People...I've changed my opinion of both
Yes, cows. I always assumed they were the big slow animals that made my house stink growing up. You husk corn, take them the husks and they eat it, usually while dropping whatever they ate earlier on the ground behind them. Ew. And people, well, I had just come to realize that most of us don't really give a hoot about much of anything if it doesn't directly relate to us. Yes, myself included...I'm not Mother Teresa here.
Well, this past weekend I was at my sister in law's house, helping her clean her garage. This is in preparation for my Neices graduation party which trust me, will necessitate a post of it's own. Anyway, we're pulling out of the drive way (to be good citizens and take the things from the garage to the local donation box) and the approaching car was flashing it's lights. We assumed that there was a deer or a cop or something ahead. I'm jacking my jaw as usual, and Deb shouts "oh hell, that's what he was flashing about!"
I'm clueless as I was paying no attention. I wasn't driving, I didn't need to pay attention, so shut up.
"Huh? What'd you see, what are you talking about?" was all I could say. I couldn't think about too much or I would have lost my train of thought on the conversation I was having.
"You mean you didn't see the big black cow in the road?" she asked with some sort of shock in her voice. She's known me a long time, she should know I don't notice a whole lot if not pointed out to me, as she just did.
Keep in mind, she lives on a State Route, semis are always passing, but it's also a slightly rural area. So, while cows in the middle of the road aren't necessarily typical, it's not unheard of either. So she starts flashing her lights at the oncoming car, as to avoid having incredibly fresh hamburger strewn across the roadway. (ok, that just put a really nasty picture in my head, if it did you also, I apologize.) We were pulled over, getting ready to back up and let the guy that owns the cow know that he had an escapee. This woman actually pulls over, rolls down her window and asks "Are you guys ok, is something wrong?" People opinion changed. She actually pulled over to make sure we were ok, and not just flashing her to warn of oncoming surprises. Both Deb and I were pleasantly surprised at her willingness to stop and help strangers for no reason. Kudos to you unknown lady!
So we pull into the drive to let the guy know his cow has escaped. My sister tells me to roll down my window and call to the cow so he'll follow us up the drive. What?? I had to try really hard not to laugh. I had never heard that before. I roll the window down, and Deb proceeds to to call to the cow with the clicking noise you make with your tongue when calling a pet. I'll be damned if that cow didn't actually pay attention and start coming towards us! So I too, start clicking my tongue and calling to the cow to "come 'ere". Yes I felt like an idiot, but that happens a lot to me so I'm kinda used to it. We get the attention of the owner, and try to tell him what happened, and that cow trotted right past us, and went right back into small barn opening that he had gotten out of. Well, never seen that before, I figured we were gonna have to get out and try to corrall this bad boy back to the barn. I was really happy about that, since it had been raining all day and everything was a muddy mess. So I guess cows must be intelligent after all.
So I wonder, if when they are deficating in front of us while we feed them, if that' just their way of saying "ok you stupid human, you fed me now go away."
Pretty effective if you ask me.
Well, this past weekend I was at my sister in law's house, helping her clean her garage. This is in preparation for my Neices graduation party which trust me, will necessitate a post of it's own. Anyway, we're pulling out of the drive way (to be good citizens and take the things from the garage to the local donation box) and the approaching car was flashing it's lights. We assumed that there was a deer or a cop or something ahead. I'm jacking my jaw as usual, and Deb shouts "oh hell, that's what he was flashing about!"
I'm clueless as I was paying no attention. I wasn't driving, I didn't need to pay attention, so shut up.
"Huh? What'd you see, what are you talking about?" was all I could say. I couldn't think about too much or I would have lost my train of thought on the conversation I was having.
"You mean you didn't see the big black cow in the road?" she asked with some sort of shock in her voice. She's known me a long time, she should know I don't notice a whole lot if not pointed out to me, as she just did.
Keep in mind, she lives on a State Route, semis are always passing, but it's also a slightly rural area. So, while cows in the middle of the road aren't necessarily typical, it's not unheard of either. So she starts flashing her lights at the oncoming car, as to avoid having incredibly fresh hamburger strewn across the roadway. (ok, that just put a really nasty picture in my head, if it did you also, I apologize.) We were pulled over, getting ready to back up and let the guy that owns the cow know that he had an escapee. This woman actually pulls over, rolls down her window and asks "Are you guys ok, is something wrong?" People opinion changed. She actually pulled over to make sure we were ok, and not just flashing her to warn of oncoming surprises. Both Deb and I were pleasantly surprised at her willingness to stop and help strangers for no reason. Kudos to you unknown lady!
So we pull into the drive to let the guy know his cow has escaped. My sister tells me to roll down my window and call to the cow so he'll follow us up the drive. What?? I had to try really hard not to laugh. I had never heard that before. I roll the window down, and Deb proceeds to to call to the cow with the clicking noise you make with your tongue when calling a pet. I'll be damned if that cow didn't actually pay attention and start coming towards us! So I too, start clicking my tongue and calling to the cow to "come 'ere". Yes I felt like an idiot, but that happens a lot to me so I'm kinda used to it. We get the attention of the owner, and try to tell him what happened, and that cow trotted right past us, and went right back into small barn opening that he had gotten out of. Well, never seen that before, I figured we were gonna have to get out and try to corrall this bad boy back to the barn. I was really happy about that, since it had been raining all day and everything was a muddy mess. So I guess cows must be intelligent after all.
So I wonder, if when they are deficating in front of us while we feed them, if that' just their way of saying "ok you stupid human, you fed me now go away."
Pretty effective if you ask me.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Dear USCIS (Immigration) YOU SUCK!
What was I thinking? How could I have the audacity to fall in love with a Canadian? Hmm...that's what the government seems to asking me. My hubby, Kelly, has been in the US, LEGALLY, for almost 10 years. The first 5 or so, he was here on a work Visa. Totally legit. Then he met me, and we married 2 years later. Upon marrying me, he could then apply for legal residence through marriage. That's when we started jumping through hoops, and have been doing so for almost 3 years now.
The first application we had to fill out an obscene amount of paperwork and send anything and everythin we had to prove we were actually together. I'm not talking regular stuff like statements and such. They wanted receipts from gifts we had bought eachother, cards we gave, ticket stubs from movies, love letters, wedding pictures, honeymoon pictures, cards that friends had given us at the wedding, Christmas cards that had been sent and addressed to both of us, wedding invitations, wedding program...the list goes on and on. Good greif they had more personal stuff from me than I had ever given anyone!
We had to have a meeting with a bitch of a lady downtown and try to prove to her we were truly in love...lol That woman was the nastiest, most cold hearted person I've ever met. She asked if I had the original copy of my divorce. I had it...and she TOOK IT! Not a copy, my original divorce, and told me I had to file some bs form to get it back from the government. WHAT??! It's my divorce, not his. I WAS BORN HERE! The divorce happened before I ever even met him. **side note here...I still have not gotten that divorce decree back..
3 months (as least) and $5000.00 in attorney fees and application fees later, he's approved. Ohhh but wait...2 months later and still no green card in the mail. The dumbasses at USCIS wrote our address wrong on the envelope and it was never delivered. WTF. Our address is written 10,000 times on paperwork you have, and you STILL can't spell it right...idiots. 2 more months and the card finally arrives.
2 years later...yup, the whole fiasco again. When you file through marriage, you have to file every 2 years for 7 years to prove you're still together. Whatever. Another 2000.00 in fees and another stack of paperwork and personal mementos proving we've been together...anniversary cards to eachother and from family, receipts for anniversary gifts bought...ridiculous.
And today I get an email from the attorney...the government wants more proof before they will approve. Financial records showing joint accounts and utility bills showing co-habitation. ...which I have already sent...twice...
Really, now I can see if he were from a country where the US has had problems. Or if he hadn't lived here before. But for Crying Out Loud he's CANADIAN!!! He lived here legally for 5 years prior. So we are going through all this bullshit, paying all this money just so we can say he's here legal. Meanwhile there's hundreds of thousands of people here illegally getting all the benefits that we are having a hell of a time fighting for. Go after those slackers! We have done everything asked and paid a stupid amount of money for you to say...hmmm I'm not sure.
So yup...I'm a little irritated to day. What a joke US immigration is...
The first application we had to fill out an obscene amount of paperwork and send anything and everythin we had to prove we were actually together. I'm not talking regular stuff like statements and such. They wanted receipts from gifts we had bought eachother, cards we gave, ticket stubs from movies, love letters, wedding pictures, honeymoon pictures, cards that friends had given us at the wedding, Christmas cards that had been sent and addressed to both of us, wedding invitations, wedding program...the list goes on and on. Good greif they had more personal stuff from me than I had ever given anyone!
We had to have a meeting with a bitch of a lady downtown and try to prove to her we were truly in love...lol That woman was the nastiest, most cold hearted person I've ever met. She asked if I had the original copy of my divorce. I had it...and she TOOK IT! Not a copy, my original divorce, and told me I had to file some bs form to get it back from the government. WHAT??! It's my divorce, not his. I WAS BORN HERE! The divorce happened before I ever even met him. **side note here...I still have not gotten that divorce decree back..
3 months (as least) and $5000.00 in attorney fees and application fees later, he's approved. Ohhh but wait...2 months later and still no green card in the mail. The dumbasses at USCIS wrote our address wrong on the envelope and it was never delivered. WTF. Our address is written 10,000 times on paperwork you have, and you STILL can't spell it right...idiots. 2 more months and the card finally arrives.
2 years later...yup, the whole fiasco again. When you file through marriage, you have to file every 2 years for 7 years to prove you're still together. Whatever. Another 2000.00 in fees and another stack of paperwork and personal mementos proving we've been together...anniversary cards to eachother and from family, receipts for anniversary gifts bought...ridiculous.
And today I get an email from the attorney...the government wants more proof before they will approve. Financial records showing joint accounts and utility bills showing co-habitation. ...which I have already sent...twice...
Really, now I can see if he were from a country where the US has had problems. Or if he hadn't lived here before. But for Crying Out Loud he's CANADIAN!!! He lived here legally for 5 years prior. So we are going through all this bullshit, paying all this money just so we can say he's here legal. Meanwhile there's hundreds of thousands of people here illegally getting all the benefits that we are having a hell of a time fighting for. Go after those slackers! We have done everything asked and paid a stupid amount of money for you to say...hmmm I'm not sure.
So yup...I'm a little irritated to day. What a joke US immigration is...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Zumba...how I love thee
I've been on a weight loss ride for quite some time now. Although I'm mostly in pit stop mode...hence the lack of weight loss. I do believe I've found at least a small boost in my efforts. I started taking Zumba classes at the local studio where my kids dance. If you don't know what Zumba is, by all means let me explain.
Picture a room full of adult women shaking their asses like nobody's business. Throw in buckets of sweat, some whooping and hollering, and some totally kickin latin music...ta da! Zumba! Now I love to dance, so this class is freakishly fun for me. Since I don't really know most of the people in the class...there's really no fear of making a total fool of myself. And I'm sure I'm making a total fool of myself. My hips find the Latin rhythm and have a mind of their own. My arms get in on the action too, flying up and making their own moves to correspond with what my hips have decided to do. I swear the only downfall to this class is the fact that I can feel the extra poundage I've put on shaking around me. Eww. That and it's only 1 night a week. I need MORE Zumba! 1 class a week just won't cut it. I leave work 15 minutes early just so I can get to class on time.
Hopefully my new found fondness of 'shakin what my Momma gave me' will pay off with dropping numbers on the scales. I have a beach vacation coming up soon, and I'd really like to take a lot less of 'me' with me.
Go find a Zumba class...NOW!
Picture a room full of adult women shaking their asses like nobody's business. Throw in buckets of sweat, some whooping and hollering, and some totally kickin latin music...ta da! Zumba! Now I love to dance, so this class is freakishly fun for me. Since I don't really know most of the people in the class...there's really no fear of making a total fool of myself. And I'm sure I'm making a total fool of myself. My hips find the Latin rhythm and have a mind of their own. My arms get in on the action too, flying up and making their own moves to correspond with what my hips have decided to do. I swear the only downfall to this class is the fact that I can feel the extra poundage I've put on shaking around me. Eww. That and it's only 1 night a week. I need MORE Zumba! 1 class a week just won't cut it. I leave work 15 minutes early just so I can get to class on time.
Hopefully my new found fondness of 'shakin what my Momma gave me' will pay off with dropping numbers on the scales. I have a beach vacation coming up soon, and I'd really like to take a lot less of 'me' with me.
Go find a Zumba class...NOW!
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Peanut Butter & Jelly Theory
OK...I wrote this a while ago and decided I should share it here. It's a bit lengthy and I even edited it down a bit. But it's a good theory...enjoy
Never in a million, ok a billion years did I think my life would be changed by a sandwich. But life throws you curveballs, and if you're lucky, you get a delicious nugget of wisdom tossed in there too. And that's just what happened to me...
I'd been swimming in the dating pool for a while, and was casually seeing 2 different guys. I liked both of them and had a good time with both as well. Things were going well, until guy #1 (g1) started thinking he wanted to start seeing me on a more 'serious level'. Whoa boy, I felt that twinge of oh wow this is great, mixed with the unnerving urge to run away fast and far. I had told very few people of the goings on in my personal life. But there was one of my very close friends that I kept up to date on a daily basis. He knew the in's and out's of each relationship, and my feelings about both. I was torn. I wanted to get more serious with g1, but wasn't ready to give up g2 just yet. Somehow this friend of mine managed to listen to me, really listen, instead of just smacking me upside the head like most people would (and probably should) have...hence the reason he was one of the very few who knew the whole story.
He went on to tell me that all guys, and relationships for that matter, are like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I had g1, who was kind, loving, romantic, sensitive...all the gooey stuff that chicks dig. Those qualities, he informed me, were consistent with the jelly side of the sandwich. Then I had g2, who was rough, playful, sarcastic, strong...the stuff that challenges you and makes the relationship exciting. Qualities that are more aligned with the peanut butter side of the sandwich. I, of course, represented the bread that wrapped around the combination of the two. He then asked me if I had a choice, would I take an all peanut butter sandwich, an all jelly sandwich, or would I find myself making the perfect combo of pb&j goodness. I immediately said I'd take the combo. I was then asked why I would settle for anything less in a relationship. POW!!! That simple explanation hit me like a ton of bricks. It all made sense, and I knew what I had to do.
For the next few days, all I could think about was what he said to me. I had one guy full of jelly and one full of peanut butter. I just had to see if I could find the opposite component in each one. PB guy totally surprised me by making a pillow bed in my living room floor and making a little carpet picnic for us to share. He just wanted to chill with me...Hello Jelly!!! My Jelly guy, spiced things up by out of the blue tackling me and telling me I couldn't get up, that I wasn't strong enough. He then proceeded to prove it...Hallelujah Peanut Butter!! So I was pretty much in the same boat, I just needed to wait to see if I could evenly spread the PB&J to fit my taste exactly. After a few weeks it became clear that my PB guy's jelly moments were very far and few in between, while Jelly's PB moments seemed to come more freely and often. So my jelly guy's request to get more serious just naturally happened, and PB faded into the background. That jelly guy, who's name oddly enough rhymes with jelly...Kelly, became my husband a year later.
So I now have my perfect Peanut and Butter and Jelly relationship. I've shared this theory with my husband, and the whole story with it, and he finds it incredibly cute. I've also shared it with my sister in law, who has passed it on to my 17 year old neice. She thought it was silly at first, but then she thought about, and now applies it to each potential relationship. And the friend who came up with this amazing theory...? Still one of my best buds, and still knows everything about everything having to do with me. This theory changed my life, and I will be forever greatful to him for sharing it with me. Now...his theory that the world would have no problems if it weren't for women....we're still debating that one...
Never in a million, ok a billion years did I think my life would be changed by a sandwich. But life throws you curveballs, and if you're lucky, you get a delicious nugget of wisdom tossed in there too. And that's just what happened to me...
I'd been swimming in the dating pool for a while, and was casually seeing 2 different guys. I liked both of them and had a good time with both as well. Things were going well, until guy #1 (g1) started thinking he wanted to start seeing me on a more 'serious level'. Whoa boy, I felt that twinge of oh wow this is great, mixed with the unnerving urge to run away fast and far. I had told very few people of the goings on in my personal life. But there was one of my very close friends that I kept up to date on a daily basis. He knew the in's and out's of each relationship, and my feelings about both. I was torn. I wanted to get more serious with g1, but wasn't ready to give up g2 just yet. Somehow this friend of mine managed to listen to me, really listen, instead of just smacking me upside the head like most people would (and probably should) have...hence the reason he was one of the very few who knew the whole story.
He went on to tell me that all guys, and relationships for that matter, are like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I had g1, who was kind, loving, romantic, sensitive...all the gooey stuff that chicks dig. Those qualities, he informed me, were consistent with the jelly side of the sandwich. Then I had g2, who was rough, playful, sarcastic, strong...the stuff that challenges you and makes the relationship exciting. Qualities that are more aligned with the peanut butter side of the sandwich. I, of course, represented the bread that wrapped around the combination of the two. He then asked me if I had a choice, would I take an all peanut butter sandwich, an all jelly sandwich, or would I find myself making the perfect combo of pb&j goodness. I immediately said I'd take the combo. I was then asked why I would settle for anything less in a relationship. POW!!! That simple explanation hit me like a ton of bricks. It all made sense, and I knew what I had to do.
For the next few days, all I could think about was what he said to me. I had one guy full of jelly and one full of peanut butter. I just had to see if I could find the opposite component in each one. PB guy totally surprised me by making a pillow bed in my living room floor and making a little carpet picnic for us to share. He just wanted to chill with me...Hello Jelly!!! My Jelly guy, spiced things up by out of the blue tackling me and telling me I couldn't get up, that I wasn't strong enough. He then proceeded to prove it...Hallelujah Peanut Butter!! So I was pretty much in the same boat, I just needed to wait to see if I could evenly spread the PB&J to fit my taste exactly. After a few weeks it became clear that my PB guy's jelly moments were very far and few in between, while Jelly's PB moments seemed to come more freely and often. So my jelly guy's request to get more serious just naturally happened, and PB faded into the background. That jelly guy, who's name oddly enough rhymes with jelly...Kelly, became my husband a year later.
So I now have my perfect Peanut and Butter and Jelly relationship. I've shared this theory with my husband, and the whole story with it, and he finds it incredibly cute. I've also shared it with my sister in law, who has passed it on to my 17 year old neice. She thought it was silly at first, but then she thought about, and now applies it to each potential relationship. And the friend who came up with this amazing theory...? Still one of my best buds, and still knows everything about everything having to do with me. This theory changed my life, and I will be forever greatful to him for sharing it with me. Now...his theory that the world would have no problems if it weren't for women....we're still debating that one...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
My Peepdom...Yes we're that hokey
Friday nights in my 'hood usually consist of my best neighborly friends getting together for dinner and inexplicably funny conversation. The group of us started calling ourselves 'peeps' (short for my people) when we discovered it was very embarrassing to one of the children. I mean, is there a better reason to do anything, than when it embarrasses your kids? I think not. So here's a rundown of the Peeps. Getting to know them will make the future stores infinitely more interesting.
Mary - Stay at home mom to 3 boys who are as mischievous as they are adorable. She has 5 kids total; the oldest being a 21 year old boy followed by the only girl at 18. The three boys are aged 7, 5, and 3. Mary has been affectionately dubbed the Godmother by us since the neigh bor (not liked by us) said she was our cult leader and we all had our heads up her ass. We still get a big chuckle outta that one.
Linda - Single mom of my oldest daughter's best friend. She lives right next door to Mary. By far the loudest and most vocal of our group, but that's one of the reasons we love her. She's always the one to keep Mary's head attached when the boys are slowly sucking out her brain. Being the single lady in the Peepdom, she keeps us entertained with stories of her...um...after hours life.
Jen - A relatively new member of the clique and is one of the funniest people I have met in my life. She's Puerto Rican and has no problem making fun of herself. She's a corporate Travel Agent, and I believe she's in a supervisory position. Being so, she's frequently jetting off somewhere warmer and nicer than our crap Ohio weather. I've noticed recently that I so adore Jen's personality, that I have started to pick up on her mannerisms. I'm not stalking her I swear...
Pete - The first guy to be officiallly 'Peeped'. Pete is Jen's boyfriend and they live together 3 houses around the cul de sac from Mary. He's every bit as funny as Jen, but with a deliciously dry sense of humor. These 2 have been together a loooong time, but both have done the marriage thing before so they're kinda 'over it'. I actually went to High School with Pete, but we didn't run in the same circles. He's a pastry chef...a very tall manly man pastry chef. And he's a really good pastry chef at that. We freqently enjoy salivating over his creations.
That's the core group of us. There are others that gather at deck parties in the summer where the alcohol flows freely, but this group gets together almost weekly. Between us, there are 7 kids between 3 and 11 that gather together (in a separate room of course).
Our conversations are some of the craziest. Last night we were discussing the first person to insult someone by calling them a 'douchebag'. You're insulting them by calling them a vaginal cleansing bag. People, this was just one the convo's we had.
So when I post something about Friday nights get ready, 'cause it should be good.
*Nope...no laptop net yet...
Mary - Stay at home mom to 3 boys who are as mischievous as they are adorable. She has 5 kids total; the oldest being a 21 year old boy followed by the only girl at 18. The three boys are aged 7, 5, and 3. Mary has been affectionately dubbed the Godmother by us since the neigh bor (not liked by us) said she was our cult leader and we all had our heads up her ass. We still get a big chuckle outta that one.
Linda - Single mom of my oldest daughter's best friend. She lives right next door to Mary. By far the loudest and most vocal of our group, but that's one of the reasons we love her. She's always the one to keep Mary's head attached when the boys are slowly sucking out her brain. Being the single lady in the Peepdom, she keeps us entertained with stories of her...um...after hours life.
Jen - A relatively new member of the clique and is one of the funniest people I have met in my life. She's Puerto Rican and has no problem making fun of herself. She's a corporate Travel Agent, and I believe she's in a supervisory position. Being so, she's frequently jetting off somewhere warmer and nicer than our crap Ohio weather. I've noticed recently that I so adore Jen's personality, that I have started to pick up on her mannerisms. I'm not stalking her I swear...
Pete - The first guy to be officiallly 'Peeped'. Pete is Jen's boyfriend and they live together 3 houses around the cul de sac from Mary. He's every bit as funny as Jen, but with a deliciously dry sense of humor. These 2 have been together a loooong time, but both have done the marriage thing before so they're kinda 'over it'. I actually went to High School with Pete, but we didn't run in the same circles. He's a pastry chef...a very tall manly man pastry chef. And he's a really good pastry chef at that. We freqently enjoy salivating over his creations.
That's the core group of us. There are others that gather at deck parties in the summer where the alcohol flows freely, but this group gets together almost weekly. Between us, there are 7 kids between 3 and 11 that gather together (in a separate room of course).
Our conversations are some of the craziest. Last night we were discussing the first person to insult someone by calling them a 'douchebag'. You're insulting them by calling them a vaginal cleansing bag. People, this was just one the convo's we had.
So when I post something about Friday nights get ready, 'cause it should be good.
*Nope...no laptop net yet...
Friday, April 16, 2010
Does Rosetta Stone make a 'Bad English' tutorial?
My job...I love it immensely. But it frequently requires me to talk to people that haven't quite mastered the English language yet. I've become masterful at understanding thick Texas drawl, deep Cajun inflections from Louisiana and the Northeastern-ers 'ah' for 'r'. Canadians (my husband being one) sometimes talk fast and throw in more 'eh's than I'd care to count, But they are understandable. My Australian calls...I could listen to them all day. Occasionally I only catch half of what they say, but if you laugh when they laugh...all is well. Oddly enough I can understand the international calls from Germany, The Nehtherlands, Italy and even Japan. Thirteen years doing this, and I still have the most problems with foreign Americans.
Their accent mixed with the lack of correct grammar is baffling. The more you say "I'm sorry could you repeat that?" the more exasperated they get, and they just talk faster. I've found myself more than once doing the old 'yell and they understand you better' trick. Yeah, that doesn't work. And it gets better when they hand you off to a brother that 'speaks better English'. The sound of my phone banging on my desk mid call is an indication that their English is no better. And you know what...the vicioulsy loud banging does not even phase them.
So Rosetta Stone, if you could somehow make a CD that would teach me that porty pive is 45, and sees-yeero-sebin is really 607, I would be eternally greatful.
...and no...the laptop still isn't connected to the net...
Their accent mixed with the lack of correct grammar is baffling. The more you say "I'm sorry could you repeat that?" the more exasperated they get, and they just talk faster. I've found myself more than once doing the old 'yell and they understand you better' trick. Yeah, that doesn't work. And it gets better when they hand you off to a brother that 'speaks better English'. The sound of my phone banging on my desk mid call is an indication that their English is no better. And you know what...the vicioulsy loud banging does not even phase them.
So Rosetta Stone, if you could somehow make a CD that would teach me that porty pive is 45, and sees-yeero-sebin is really 607, I would be eternally greatful.
...and no...the laptop still isn't connected to the net...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I'm officially tech-challenged
The kids got a laptop for Christmas from their father, with the understanding that I would get wireless internet so they could fully use it. Right...It's now April and I still haven't gotten the laptop internet ready. Got the wireless router...not working. Then my mom tells me "You need the adapter to plug into the laptop." Seeing the utterly confused look on my face, she leads me to her computer and lets me know "it's the little silvery thing plugged into the back there".
Finally I understand.
Months go by and I finally remember to get the adapter thingy. Uh-Oh..I need the admin password to do this? My ex set it up at his work, and they gave me a user thingy with a random password. This was written on the back of a piece of paper that has since disappeared into the bottomless void of all things lost in my house. So I bring the thing to work, and my brilliant bossman somehow hacks into something and wipes out my password. Pretty sure I don't wanna know how.
Last night, among my chaos, I'm trying to hook this thing up. No luck. How was I to know that the cd to install was supposed to go in my Desktop, not the laptop. Ugh. The call to mom to goes out. She's done this before, no problem. Big problem. She can't figure it out either.
"Did you know it had a router installed?"
"uh..a what? No."
"Do you know where your cable modem is?"
"Your kidding, right" This woman has raised me and taken care of all things techy for me and has the audacity to ask me this?
Two hours later, still no hook up, my mom has no idea what the problem is, and I now have no internet access on my desktop either. Marvelous.
So tomorrow the laptop will come in to work with me again, with all peices I've managed to collect, and my brilliant boss will again save the day.
I love my job...
Finally I understand.
Months go by and I finally remember to get the adapter thingy. Uh-Oh..I need the admin password to do this? My ex set it up at his work, and they gave me a user thingy with a random password. This was written on the back of a piece of paper that has since disappeared into the bottomless void of all things lost in my house. So I bring the thing to work, and my brilliant bossman somehow hacks into something and wipes out my password. Pretty sure I don't wanna know how.
Last night, among my chaos, I'm trying to hook this thing up. No luck. How was I to know that the cd to install was supposed to go in my Desktop, not the laptop. Ugh. The call to mom to goes out. She's done this before, no problem. Big problem. She can't figure it out either.
"Did you know it had a router installed?"
"uh..a what? No."
"Do you know where your cable modem is?"
"Your kidding, right" This woman has raised me and taken care of all things techy for me and has the audacity to ask me this?
Two hours later, still no hook up, my mom has no idea what the problem is, and I now have no internet access on my desktop either. Marvelous.
So tomorrow the laptop will come in to work with me again, with all peices I've managed to collect, and my brilliant boss will again save the day.
I love my job...
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