First, let me preface this whole thing by saying that no, I'm not on suicide watch. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed, and my 'condition' takes over and it's a snowball effect. So just venting and getting it all outta my system sometimes helps.
Things are just goofy lately. I can't seem to get a grasp on anything at all. My house, my kids, my weight, my marriage. It all seems like a giant clusterfuck right now. I'm so messed up that I'm having a hard time even looking forward to my vacation. I'm a wreck in crowds...and it's gonna be crowded. A holiday weekend, a big annual race, and the travelers that usually go to the Gulf...they're going to HH and surrounding areas instead. How do I know? A co-worker of my SIL just got back and gave the news first hand...and he goes every year so he knows that it's more packed than usual.
My weight is driving me absolutely insane. I am so angry at myself on so many levels. How I did I let myself get this way? I lost it once, why can't I do it again? Why do I let myself cave in? Did my willpower and determination just vanish? I am NOT OKAY being this way! Not at ALL! I'm pissed and hate to look at myself. So why the hell can't I take that anger and direct it at losing the weight. I DON'T F**KING KNOW!
I'm tired of living in my house in it's current condition. I've been there 11 years and it's trashed on the inside. Who's fault is that...totally MINE! I think I'm missing the cleaning gene. I hate it...and it shows. Don't get me wrong, it's not rat infested or anything...just cluttered and stained and not what I want. I don't let people in my house. I refuse to host gatherings or parties for adults because I'm embarrassed to have people in my house. But taking care of that requires money, which isn't available at the moment.
My poor kids... I feel like I'm not there for them. and that crushes me. Alyson is already showing signs of the same emotional hang ups I have and that breaks my heart. I feel like I neglect Hailey on a daily basis. There will certainly not be any parenting awards coming my way. I need to change this above all else...I'm losing these precious years and I can't get them back. That's a horrible painful feeling.
My relationship with Kel feels like a walk through. I don't see him often, and when I do I feel like he's completely disappointed with me. Let's face it, I don't clean well, don't cook, put on 20 pounds since the wedding and 50 since he met me. He does so much, and I just know he resents me. I can't blame him for it either.
I keep trying to be better, I really do. But it always backfires on me. I need to figure this shit out before it totally destroys me from the inside out. I don't want to be destined to stay inside my house and never go out because my social anxiety has taken over my life. I don't want to be so self conscious that I make excuses not to hang out with my friends. Maybe I'll get some clarity on this trip...or maybe I'll just get a massive sunburn and add real pain to the emotional bomb going off inside me.
...or maybe it's just PMS...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
A moment to appreciate...me!
I'm really down on me lately. I'm having a problem seeing anything good. Since I'm such a believer in 'lists', I'll just go ahead and make a list of my good qualities. Hopefully it'll make my personal outlook a little less bleak! If it doesn't...look out...I may take to drinking...lol
1. I have good hair....most of the time. I have kicky curls that a lot of people wish they had. I love my curls, and I wouldn't be me without them.
2. I have a nice smile. I've thought this ever since I got my braces off in 8th grade. My smile happens to be my best feature in my opinion. And really, since it's my blog, my opinion is all that really matters.
3. I have rhythm. Yes, I can keep a beat and dance and generally catch on to choreography. Usually I end up embarassing myself, but dammit, I can groove!
4. I may be heavy, but I know how to dress my body. You will never ever see me sporting a muffin top or wearing skinny jeans or spandex. I'm not happy with my body, but I won't make it look worse by wearing clothes I have no business wearing.
5. I can be funny sometimes. Usually my humor is dry and sarcastic, but I can make a group laugh from time to time.
6. My kids think I'm pretty cool. Which is a good thing since I'm sure they're getting to the age where nothing I do will be cool.
It's a short list today, but at least I do feel a bit better about myself. There really is something to be said about this whole 'list' concept.
1. I have good hair....most of the time. I have kicky curls that a lot of people wish they had. I love my curls, and I wouldn't be me without them.
2. I have a nice smile. I've thought this ever since I got my braces off in 8th grade. My smile happens to be my best feature in my opinion. And really, since it's my blog, my opinion is all that really matters.
3. I have rhythm. Yes, I can keep a beat and dance and generally catch on to choreography. Usually I end up embarassing myself, but dammit, I can groove!
4. I may be heavy, but I know how to dress my body. You will never ever see me sporting a muffin top or wearing skinny jeans or spandex. I'm not happy with my body, but I won't make it look worse by wearing clothes I have no business wearing.
5. I can be funny sometimes. Usually my humor is dry and sarcastic, but I can make a group laugh from time to time.
6. My kids think I'm pretty cool. Which is a good thing since I'm sure they're getting to the age where nothing I do will be cool.
It's a short list today, but at least I do feel a bit better about myself. There really is something to be said about this whole 'list' concept.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I am...a diet failure
Yes a failure. I won't even give myself the yo-yo moniker. I can't...I don't ever lose enough to be a yo-yo.
In high school I was a svelt 110 pounds. I was that weight from probably the end of my sophmore year on. I was a dancer when I was young so I was always proud of my shapely legs and tiny waist. Vain, no...just very happy with myself. My older brother's friends always found it funny to wrap a belt around my waist and mark it. Then wrap it around their thighs to see who's was closest. That was a real ego boost for me! My measurements in those fab days were 34-23-36. Yes a bit hippy, but I loved my ass and my curves! (but damn would I give almost anything for that hip measurement now!)
Then I got married, and instead of putting on the freshman 15 at college, I put on the newlywed 40. Then came kids, and divorce...stacking on another 40. I lost a bit after the divorce...when I was looking for a new man. I got back down to 176 (again, I'd love to be there now). Then met Kelly, and packed it all back on again. That's what I get for marrying a guy who loves to cook and has a high metabolism. Ouch. I was 197 on my wedding day, and have since gained even MORE.
I'm now tipping the scales at 217. I'm not a good dieter...I totally admit that. I don't have excuses like my kids are picky, or Kelly cooks bad things, or I don't have time to exercise. I mean I have those excuses sure, but they're are not the reasons I'm the weight that I am. The reason would be that I'm just lazy. I don't have the willpower I need to put forth a good weight loss effort. Yes, I take Zumba classes twice a week. But Zumba alone can not transform an overweight body. There needs to be nutritional changes, and additional activity. I KNOW this. I was a certified fitness instructor for cryin out loud. I have all the books. It's just implementing the knowledge that I have, that seems to be the problem.
So sadly, I'll take all 217 fu*#ing pounds to the beach with me. What I won't be taking...is a bathing suit. It'll be sundresses on the beach for me, and shorts & a tank at the pool if needed. I won't put anyone else through the embarrassment of looking at me this way. And I certainly won't put myself through that kind of torture.
In high school I was a svelt 110 pounds. I was that weight from probably the end of my sophmore year on. I was a dancer when I was young so I was always proud of my shapely legs and tiny waist. Vain, no...just very happy with myself. My older brother's friends always found it funny to wrap a belt around my waist and mark it. Then wrap it around their thighs to see who's was closest. That was a real ego boost for me! My measurements in those fab days were 34-23-36. Yes a bit hippy, but I loved my ass and my curves! (but damn would I give almost anything for that hip measurement now!)
Then I got married, and instead of putting on the freshman 15 at college, I put on the newlywed 40. Then came kids, and divorce...stacking on another 40. I lost a bit after the divorce...when I was looking for a new man. I got back down to 176 (again, I'd love to be there now). Then met Kelly, and packed it all back on again. That's what I get for marrying a guy who loves to cook and has a high metabolism. Ouch. I was 197 on my wedding day, and have since gained even MORE.
I'm now tipping the scales at 217. I'm not a good dieter...I totally admit that. I don't have excuses like my kids are picky, or Kelly cooks bad things, or I don't have time to exercise. I mean I have those excuses sure, but they're are not the reasons I'm the weight that I am. The reason would be that I'm just lazy. I don't have the willpower I need to put forth a good weight loss effort. Yes, I take Zumba classes twice a week. But Zumba alone can not transform an overweight body. There needs to be nutritional changes, and additional activity. I KNOW this. I was a certified fitness instructor for cryin out loud. I have all the books. It's just implementing the knowledge that I have, that seems to be the problem.
So sadly, I'll take all 217 fu*#ing pounds to the beach with me. What I won't be taking...is a bathing suit. It'll be sundresses on the beach for me, and shorts & a tank at the pool if needed. I won't put anyone else through the embarrassment of looking at me this way. And I certainly won't put myself through that kind of torture.
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