Pity Party

First, let me preface this whole thing by saying that no, I'm not on suicide watch. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed, and my 'condition' takes over and it's a snowball effect. So just venting and getting it all outta my system sometimes helps.

Things are just goofy lately. I can't seem to get a grasp on anything at all. My house, my kids, my weight, my marriage. It all seems like a giant clusterfuck right now. I'm so messed up that I'm having a hard time even looking forward to my vacation. I'm a wreck in crowds...and it's gonna be crowded. A holiday weekend, a big annual race, and the travelers that usually go to the Gulf...they're going to HH and surrounding areas instead. How do I know? A co-worker of my SIL just got back and gave the news first hand...and he goes every year so he knows that it's more packed than usual.

My weight is driving me absolutely insane. I am so angry at myself on so many levels. How I did I let myself get this way? I lost it once, why can't I do it again? Why do I let myself cave in? Did my willpower and determination just vanish? I am NOT OKAY being this way! Not at ALL! I'm pissed and hate to look at myself. So why the hell can't I take that anger and direct it at losing the weight. I DON'T F**KING KNOW!

I'm tired of living in my house in it's current condition. I've been there 11 years and it's trashed on the inside. Who's fault is that...totally MINE! I think I'm missing the cleaning gene. I hate it...and it shows. Don't get me wrong, it's not rat infested or anything...just cluttered and stained and not what I want. I don't let people in my house. I refuse to host gatherings or parties for adults because I'm embarrassed to have people in my house. But taking care of that requires money, which isn't available at the moment.

My poor kids... I feel like I'm not there for them. and that crushes me. Alyson is already showing signs of the same emotional hang ups I have and that breaks my heart. I feel like I neglect Hailey on a daily basis. There will certainly not be any parenting awards coming my way. I need to change this above all else...I'm losing these precious years and I can't get them back. That's a horrible painful feeling.

My relationship with Kel feels like a walk through. I don't see him often, and when I do I feel like he's completely disappointed with me. Let's face it, I don't clean well, don't cook, put on 20 pounds since the wedding and 50 since he met me. He does so much, and I just know he resents me. I can't blame him for it either.

I keep trying to be better, I really do. But it always backfires on me. I need to figure this shit out before it totally destroys me from the inside out. I don't want to be destined to stay inside my house and never go out because my social anxiety has taken over my life. I don't want to be so self conscious that I make excuses not to hang out with my friends. Maybe I'll get some clarity on this trip...or maybe I'll just get a massive sunburn and add real pain to the emotional bomb going off inside me.

...or maybe it's just PMS...