blah...that about sums it up

So this week and the weekend especially have been very taxing on my mind and my spirit.  Which is irritating to say the least.  I've been too busy to remember to post a pic, and it's prolly for the best.  I've come to the realization that kel feels more like a roommate than a husband, and that's a hard pill to swallow.  I know he's trying, but my patience is wearing thin and I still don't really know where he stands.

I don't know who the other instructor is at the gym, but I have this fear that she's going to be the hot commodity and her classes will fill up while mine just flounder along.  I'm trying hard not to think about that, and won't talk about it to people, as I feel their eyes rolling when I complain about anything.

my diet has totally gone out the window the past five days, and my body can feel it.  I feel sluggish and old.  What will it take for me to finally commit whole heartedly to being fit and healthy?  Brooke keeps telling me that I have to do it for me, and no one else. (Which is another sad point...I had to give up my personal training sessions as I can no longer afford it.  My kids are my priority and their activities need to come first).  There has to be that one thing, that one image that keeps me going, and keeps me on the healthy path.  Why can't I find it?  How can something so important be so elusive?

I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now.  My relationships on all levels all seem to be in some kind of flux.  I want to walk away and just throw it all out the window and focus solely on my kids.  But what happens when they're grown?  If I walk away from them now, what will I have when my kids are grown and no longer need me to be such a big part of their everyday lives?

Ah, what a pity party I'm throwing for myself!  Hopefully getting it off my chest will alleviate some the of the negative feelings and I can move on.  I just hope none of you reading this will hold it against me!