365 days....full circle

Today's the day.  I've been curious on how I'd reflect on it.  Surprisingly, it's a bit anti-climactic.  It was one year ago today that my world was rocked to it's core.  November 7th 2010 was the day that Kelly decided that he needed time, space or whatever it was and moved out of our house.  I woke up this morning and reached into my memory to capture those feelings.  There they were, unmistakably fresh and painful.  It took 7 months for him to go through whatever it was he was going through.  And I waited, stood firmly by his side and hoped beyond hope that he, that we, would emerge from the darkness and uncertainty.  We did, and we still are.  There are still times that I find myself incredibly jealous of who knows what.  My self esteem and confidence took a HUGE blow through this.  And I'm still recovering from that.  Kelly is getting back to man I fell in love with.  He seems to have pulled a complete 180 in the last month or so.  It's almost hard to believe.  He and Alyson are getting along so great, and Hailey seems to be coming around as well.  What have I learned through all this...?

1. Find someone to lean on...  My sister in law Deb was my rock, my sanity and my guardian angel.  I know that I could never have made it through without her, and I only hope that I can show her the proper gratitude for that one day.

2. Trust Yourself...  I had friends tell me to give ultimatums, set an end date, make him decide.  I kept coming back to 'he's my husband, not my boyfriend'.  I took a vow.  You can kick a boyfriend to the curb much easier than a husband.

3. Marriage is not easy...  If only more people realized that before they got married.  When I said 'better or worse' I meant it.  He was and is worth fighting for...

4. He needed me to fight...  Kelly needed to know that I was in his corner, rooting him on and waiting for him to come home to me.  He is now more confident in my love than ever before, and knows he can count on me.

5. The kids know...  As much as I tried to hide it, my girls knew what was going on.  That made it hard for Kelly to be home.  They tried not to, but they showed it in their actions that they were on my side.  They did not like the fact that I was sad, and he was the reason.  Alyson has forgiven, and Hailey is on her way.  But they were hurting just like I was, and I needed to be more sensitive to that.

Above all else...it takes time...   Such blows to a marriage and a psyche can be deep and painful.  They don't mend overnight.  Kelly and I are still healing, but the key is, we ARE healing.  There are some in my life that still don't treat Kelly the same, weather they realize it or not.  He can sense it, as can I.  Our relationship isn't perfect, but it's back on the right track.  A year ago today, I cried for 16 hours straight and my eyes were swollen shut.  Today, I smile as I write this, knowing he'll be home to go grocery shopping with me tonight.  Full Circle Indeed.