Moving on!

It amazes me how one 24 hour period can be so up, then down, then up again.  I think the up's outweigh the downs for this period.  Let's compare, shall we?

UP'S
1. Emily is at my house, so my girls aren't alone and  beating eachother today!
2. I have regulars to my Zumba classes already!
3. I ordered a banner to promote said classes at the gym
4. I got GREAT news about new kids Zumba classes that I will be teaching!
5. I came up with an idea for a Zumba strength interval class that I want to pitch to the gym.
6. My Laryngitis is almost gone!

DOWN'S
1. My diet is floundering severly (however the scale has not punished me too bad yet...stressing YET)
2. Kelly pulled 'a kelly' last night
3. I feel very very fat...more so than usual
4. I have this awful cough that won't go away and is pissing me off.
5. I had to give up my personal training sessions.

There ya have it....6 to 5 in favor of Up's.  A win is a win in my book.  Hopefully tomorrow I will remember to take the weekly pic.  No matter how much I'm not wanting to!

blah...that about sums it up

So this week and the weekend especially have been very taxing on my mind and my spirit.  Which is irritating to say the least.  I've been too busy to remember to post a pic, and it's prolly for the best.  I've come to the realization that kel feels more like a roommate than a husband, and that's a hard pill to swallow.  I know he's trying, but my patience is wearing thin and I still don't really know where he stands.

I don't know who the other instructor is at the gym, but I have this fear that she's going to be the hot commodity and her classes will fill up while mine just flounder along.  I'm trying hard not to think about that, and won't talk about it to people, as I feel their eyes rolling when I complain about anything.

my diet has totally gone out the window the past five days, and my body can feel it.  I feel sluggish and old.  What will it take for me to finally commit whole heartedly to being fit and healthy?  Brooke keeps telling me that I have to do it for me, and no one else. (Which is another sad point...I had to give up my personal training sessions as I can no longer afford it.  My kids are my priority and their activities need to come first).  There has to be that one thing, that one image that keeps me going, and keeps me on the healthy path.  Why can't I find it?  How can something so important be so elusive?

I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now.  My relationships on all levels all seem to be in some kind of flux.  I want to walk away and just throw it all out the window and focus solely on my kids.  But what happens when they're grown?  If I walk away from them now, what will I have when my kids are grown and no longer need me to be such a big part of their everyday lives?

Ah, what a pity party I'm throwing for myself!  Hopefully getting it off my chest will alleviate some the of the negative feelings and I can move on.  I just hope none of you reading this will hold it against me!

phew...sleepy!

Well class #1 went well.  There were only 3 people there, but for a first time class at a new location with virtuallly NO advertising at all, I'd say that's acceptable.  1 lady found me on the Zumba site and just came to class, another heard from the chiropractor and the third was at the open house.  So now I'm taking the advertising into my own hands and getting a poster to put up on the outside door at the gym with all the available classes posted.  It always takes classes a while to get off the ground, so I'm still confident that over the next couple weeks, the numbers will grow.  All I know is...all 3 women said they would be buying passes and coming back!  That's what I'm aiming for!

Between teaching my class, taking my regular class and working in the warehouse yesterday, combined with the fact that I only ate one meal at work...    I ended up -200 calories by the time I got home.  Not good.  But Alyson kinda kept me in check, and I didn't get any bad snackies at the grocery store.  I didn't eat great, but I didn't go way over on calories either.  Here's a rundown:

10:45 Zumba 60 mins (-300) just a guess, haven't had the monitor on while Zumba'ing yet
1:00  Lean Cuisine Orange Chicken (300)
5:15 Zumba 45 mins (-200)
6:30  mini frosted cupcake (150)
7:45 Lean Cuisine Garlic Chicken Spring Rolls (400)
7:45 2 oatmeal Cookies (190)
8:30 1 slice DiGiorno pizza (300) (stole a piece from Alyson, bad)
9:15 1 3/4 c Fruity Pebbles & 10 oz 2% milk (380)

Intake: 1720 (apx)
Burn:    500  (apx)
           1220        
got all 8 glasses of water through the day.  So although I stayed under my calories, my choices were hit and miss.  Today's goal is to spread them out and remember to eat for cryin' out loud!  Tomorrow is weigh in and photo day...I'm not expecting much.  I am thinking of taking a more 'revealing' photo to show the whole ugly truth.  No worries...there will be no bathing suit shot...but I may try a sports bra photo with my pants.  Sometimes tough love IS the best medicine....

Wedding Weekend...survived

Derek and Kim's wedding was yesterday, and I think i came out of it pretty unscathed.  It was beautiful, Kim looked amazing and her dress was fabulous.  I did find myself crying, and realized...I'm a huge sap!  But even after attending other wedding's since mine and Kel's, I have not come across anything I would change about our wedding.  i may be biased, but I still think that our wedding was amazing and totally fun.  The ceremony yesterday had some great moments, but nothing that would have wanted me to do anything different on our day. 

The bulk of my calories yesterday came from...wait for it...      alcohol.  yep, I drank and had fun.  Granted I danced and burned calories, but I certainly didn't eat well.  But i did meet the goal I set for myself with Kelly's help.  I did not drink any soda throughout the weekend festivites.  Trust me, I wanted to do, but I did not.  I drank a lot of water as well.  And I think i looked great...aside from my makeup...my rosacea is flaring and I didn't have good foundation to cover the redness.  but I did get a fairly good pic of kel and I, which I will post as soon as I get it downloaded from the camera. 

I start teaching at the gym tomorrow, and I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.  I'm hoping that it will kickstart the weight loss efforts.  Really hoping!!

keeping myself honest

I didn't want to post this, but I will.  I imploded tonight.  All alone in the house and I started ok.  had a can of turkey chili for dinner.  Then had a piece of leftover pizza, a cupcake, a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and a bowl of Lucky Charms.  WTF??  The cereal was with skim milk, does that help?  And I only had 400 calories through the day (I'm assuming that's a contributing factor to my binging tonight) and an intense boxing workout with Josh this morning.  Still...the guilt of eating what I shouldn't have is not pleasant.

This stems from the fact that I did so well yesterday, and woke up to a 2 pound gain on the scale.  That pissed me off and started the 'why bother' thoughts in my head.  Very detrimental.  Once again I shall regroup and kick my ass into gear again.  Starting now, not in the morning, now.

It's a big step for me to even admit I ate all that.  Normally I would just pretend it never happened and then wonder why the scale is not moving in the right direction.  I guess that shows that this blog accountability thing is working so far.

...I promise...the humor will be back tomorrow...  :)

this is my alternative!

I've done fabulously well today!  Had a good dinner, good workout, and only snacked on some of Alyson's baked fries.  Now, before I go to far, i decided to log on the ole laptop while watching SYTYCD instead of munching like I'd really like to.  REALLY like to...lol.  This is like my mini panic button.  I'd love to be grabbing some ice cream, or a bowl of cereal.  But No.  I'm gonna blog, then go up and brush my teeth so the urge to eat disappears.  I logged all my calories today, and I totalled 1320, and burned about 200 minimum in the workout.  That's a good day!

any opinions on who's gonna win SYTYCD this year?  I'm in love with Melanie and Marko...have been since their respective auditions....

Today is a new day!

First off...yesterday was bad.  Really bad.  But that was yesterday.  Where I was having a pistachio muffin for breakfast yesterday, I am having an equally yummy (it's all about perception, people) Strawberry Chobani Greek yogurt.  Much better choice that I will certainly not regret later.  The scale did not completely punish me for my unabashedly food laden week and weekend...I stayed the same.  Which in retrospect, is pretty damn good. 

Kel has come home after work every day this week.  And since he's working 3rd shift, that's pretty impressive and I'm again cautiously optimistic. 

For all of you who have decided to follow me with email, I greatly appreciate it.  I do believe, that if you would like to comment, you have to click "follow me" and register with a google or yahoo address.  ...and I do love comments... :)

So here are this weeks photos.  They were taken by Hailey, so they are a bit crooked.  These were her best attempts...lol  I must say, the side view is not a very favorable shot of my ass.  Wow, it's huge.

 6/15/11  207

6/15/11  207

So I start fresh today with a renewed vigor, and hopefully I can keep it when I get home, and those cupcakes are staring me down from the counter.

Grr. Frustrated.

One would think that with all the good things going on, I'd have no problem finding will power.  One would think that the fact that I'm starting to teach Zumba classes next week would give me more than enough incentive.  One would also think that I could find the brain power to make it finally click.  Obviously, One would be wrong.  I just love sweet stuff!  Blizzards, cookies, donuts, cupcakes...all of it.  I have a hard time turning it down or walking past it.  I have to find that one thing, that one thought, that one method that finally makes the ambition stick.  I though when I got down to 196 that I'd be so excited that I wouldn't allow myself to go back up.  and now I sit at 207 again wondering what the hell happened?  I happened, that's what.  Seriously?  I should not need someone to hold my hand and tell me that I shouldn't eat bad things.  I should really be able to do it all alone.  So why am I not?  hmm...I think cause I just don't wanna.  Maybe I don't want it bad enough.  Maybe it's too much work for my sissy little self to handle. 

I say NO.  NO NO NO!  I am going to do this!  I'll finish the bad stuff today.  I'll be done.  I slipped and had a DQ fountain Pepsi this weekend...and it was sooooo goooood.  So now I move on, 'x' out the slip up days and rack my brain for a solution to my food issues.  Beacause, honestly...there just has to be one, right?

Here's last week's photos...a day before my dreaded photo and weigh in tomorrow...ugh

 6/8/11   207

6/8/11   207

Tripped up again!

Well I may have saved the afternoon, but the evening was a total loss.  Bummer.  Kelly was home, and the girls were with their dad so we decided to go out for dinner.  We've (Kelly) has found a new favorite place in Johnny Malloy's.  I again got a Pep. Mush. Calzone.  On the bright side, I did only drink water...which I've been very good about lately.  Oooon the dark side however...we had DQ after dinner.  Oh how I do love Reese's Cup blizzards with extra Reese's.  They are my weakness and they are ooooooh so yummy!

I have a session with Brooke today, and will more than likely go early to practice Zumba routines.  I skipped breakfast because...well...I don't have any good for me breakfast foods in the house...lol.  I have some turkey sausages and steamable veggies in the lunch room, so they will carry me through the day.

I'm honestly terrified of the weigh in / photo tomorrow.  I just know there will be a gain, and it's already pissing me off.  grrr.

Officially Zumba-fied!

It's Official!  I am now a qualified trained Zumba Instructor!  Yesterday's class was amazing.  I had a great time, learned a lot and met some wonderful new people.  I'm ready to learn some new things and get to teaching!  Hopefully soon I'll be able to actually fit into the Zumba pants comfortably.

On to the dieting...ugh...all I want right now is fast food.  I'm desperately trying to figure out what to get for lunch that won't be totally detrimental to my efforts.  struggling...

I think I'll stick with the picture thing.  I'll post a new one every Wed when I weigh in.  Maybe that will inspire me.  

...along with fitting into those pants...

**UPDATE**  I went with a 6" turkey and cheese sub from Buehlers (only ate 1/2 of it), and some cheese cubes with grapes and apple slices.  All of which were only ok...not yummy by a long shot.  But at least I didn't go overboard, which makes the afternoon a win!

hmmm...Perhaps next week...

As I sit here eating my McDonalds french fries and drinking my large Coke, I can' t help but think... Next week I'll get on track.  After all, I'll be officially Zumba certified and will need to get ready to teach.  What logic does that employ at all?  None, absolutely none.  Why not just get started today?  Well because then I wouldn't be able to have my last hurrah weekend.  I am celebrating our 4 year anniversary, even though there's not really a whole lot to celebrate.  I am the official queen justification and rationalization.  I can give you a million reasons why I should start my journey next week, not today.  But the truth is, I'm simply being a coward, and giving in to my cravings.  And I quite enjoy it.

So I'll make my plan for next week, how I'm gonna wrangle in my eating and crack down on my workouts.  ...Right after I'm done eating these chocolate chip cookies.

doldrums...*sigh*

so here I am...alllll of me.  I'm running out of ideas to keep me on track, so maybe posting photos will do the trick.  Fell off the wagon and gained 10 pounds back.  Not good.  But my Zumba certification is this Sunday, and I already have a teaching gig at my gym.  No body wants a fat teacher, so maybe that'll be a lil extra motivation as well.  I'm in no mood to talk about Kelly, so I'll save that update for another day.  I'm a little bummed, so I'll leave it at that, and update on all other things 'me' very soon.