Soul Searching

Well, Happy 2013 a month late!  I have not wanted to post anything, since all I think of to write makes me feel like a giant hypocrite.  I come here and try to blow some sunshine up my own hind-quarters and convince myself that I can do anything.  The truth of the matter is that sometimes I just can't.  So I've stayed away, in hopes of stripping away all my fake surface layers and digging deep into my true self.

     I'm always hearing of people searching their heart, and finding the true root cause of why they over eat.  There's an underlying reason the weight doesn't come off, or some past trauma that eating helps them cope with.  I had hoped that by finding what my psychological trigger was, I could learn to recognize it and cope with it.

     Well, I had a great childhood.  I had 3 older brothers who loved me and looked out for me, and two loving parents that made a point to be a part of my life.  No trauma there.  I had friends, great friends that provided an outlet and comfort.  I had a support system of extended family and friends for when things got tough.  I had an activity...I danced on a show team and was later part of the drama club in school and had lead roles in both plays we performed.  I had a boyfriend, and the relationship was great for 15 years.  Yes, I got a divorce because said husband cheated on me.  But let's face it, I knew it was over.  And while it hurt and sucked and I still hate her, the divorce was amicable and my ex and I can still talk like adults and have meaningless conversation.  The second marriage has been rocky, but He's at home, and I'm pretty much my own obstacle in that happiness.  My insecurities are mine, and he doesn't see me that way (at least I think he doesn't).  My kids are great.  No disabilities, no emotional issues...just great kids.

     So what then, is my big hang up?  I have yet to conquer that question.  What I have noticed, is that I have a new fear to go along with my fear of never losing weight and being forever unhappy with my looks.  I seem to have a nagging sense that I will fail.  I have a great plan for eating and exercise.  But in the back of my head, I'm terrified that no matter what I do, how well I plan, I'm destined for failure.  I'm only on my 3rd day of sticking to a routine, and every minute of every day is a struggle to not binge on everything I see.  I love to eat, regardless of what it is.  I've noticed that if it's sweet, I'll eat it.  Doesn't really matter if I don't like it, I'll eat it anyway.  Which makes no sense to me.  I'm the queen of excuses when it comes to exercise.  Though I have stuck to my plan the last 2 days, I can already feel myself working up an excuse to skip today.  Like, Kelly is home, and I don't want to take time away from being with him to hit the basement for 40 minutes to do a DVD.  Lame indeed.  But on a normal day it would be a good enough reason to skip.

On a normal day.

     Maybe that's the problem.  My days are always too normal.  I need to shake myself out of whatever pattern I've gotten used to.  The 21 days to a new habit rule keeps playing in my head.  Maybe today I'll make a 21 day countdown.  Maybe today will be the start of my new normal.  And maybe in 19 more days, I'll look back to this day and wonder why I ever settled for the normal past 2 years.  In 19 more days maybe this abnormal feeling of success will be

My New Normal Day.