Well, Happy 2013 a month late! I have not wanted to post anything, since all I think of to write makes me feel like a giant hypocrite. I come here and try to blow some sunshine up my own hind-quarters and convince myself that I can do anything. The truth of the matter is that sometimes I just can't. So I've stayed away, in hopes of stripping away all my fake surface layers and digging deep into my true self.
I'm always hearing of people searching their heart, and finding the true root cause of why they over eat. There's an underlying reason the weight doesn't come off, or some past trauma that eating helps them cope with. I had hoped that by finding what my psychological trigger was, I could learn to recognize it and cope with it.
Well, I had a great childhood. I had 3 older brothers who loved me and looked out for me, and two loving parents that made a point to be a part of my life. No trauma there. I had friends, great friends that provided an outlet and comfort. I had a support system of extended family and friends for when things got tough. I had an activity...I danced on a show team and was later part of the drama club in school and had lead roles in both plays we performed. I had a boyfriend, and the relationship was great for 15 years. Yes, I got a divorce because said husband cheated on me. But let's face it, I knew it was over. And while it hurt and sucked and I still hate her, the divorce was amicable and my ex and I can still talk like adults and have meaningless conversation. The second marriage has been rocky, but He's at home, and I'm pretty much my own obstacle in that happiness. My insecurities are mine, and he doesn't see me that way (at least I think he doesn't). My kids are great. No disabilities, no emotional issues...just great kids.
So what then, is my big hang up? I have yet to conquer that question. What I have noticed, is that I have a new fear to go along with my fear of never losing weight and being forever unhappy with my looks. I seem to have a nagging sense that I will fail. I have a great plan for eating and exercise. But in the back of my head, I'm terrified that no matter what I do, how well I plan, I'm destined for failure. I'm only on my 3rd day of sticking to a routine, and every minute of every day is a struggle to not binge on everything I see. I love to eat, regardless of what it is. I've noticed that if it's sweet, I'll eat it. Doesn't really matter if I don't like it, I'll eat it anyway. Which makes no sense to me. I'm the queen of excuses when it comes to exercise. Though I have stuck to my plan the last 2 days, I can already feel myself working up an excuse to skip today. Like, Kelly is home, and I don't want to take time away from being with him to hit the basement for 40 minutes to do a DVD. Lame indeed. But on a normal day it would be a good enough reason to skip.
On a normal day.
Maybe that's the problem. My days are always too normal. I need to shake myself out of whatever pattern I've gotten used to. The 21 days to a new habit rule keeps playing in my head. Maybe today I'll make a 21 day countdown. Maybe today will be the start of my new normal. And maybe in 19 more days, I'll look back to this day and wonder why I ever settled for the normal past 2 years. In 19 more days maybe this abnormal feeling of success will be
My New Normal Day.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
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2 comments:
Do you remember WHEN it was you really started to gain weight? Maybe something during that time is the root cause. Or maybe you just love food, like me. So many of the things you say are things I think or thought all the time. I know this would be difficult with work and your girls, but just think in the back of your mind about bariatric surgery. I always thought it was the easy way out and that I'd never even consider it. I'm only three weeks out, but so far I'm really glad I did it. Just let it stew in your mind for a week or two and see how you feel!
it has crossed my mind, it really has. So has lipo and a tummy tuck. But I can't afford that much down time, and my wallet can't afford the cost right now. As for when I started to gain weight....hmmm. I put on most after I got married the first time...which makes sense cause i spent time doing nothing but chilling with D and was transitioning from High School to real life. Then I lost, and gained again after meeting kelly cause he likes to cook and is REALLY good at it...lol... and loves to go out to eat.
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